I went to a new yoga teacher today. I had been hearing about how popular her classes were for a long time. Eventually I went and her class was solid, she was a really good teacher, I couldn’t help but like her and I could see why she was so popular but there was just this one little thing. She kept calling us her friends. ‘Friends, rotate your hip to the sky”, “Friends, inhale together and hold for 4, 3, 2…” “Really?” I found myself thinking “Really, am I your friend? Can I count on you when I’m down? Can I call you and be full on dark as night and you will listen to my wailing?” No, because you don’t even know who I am. In fact, if I did call to complain about how my man made this weird sound when he kissed me this morning…you may call the police.
So I am not your friend lady.
I have very high caliber friendships and you have not made the cut. I will take you in fast and furious but you must be willing to reciprocate. I will bare my soul and you must hold fast and true. I will sometimes lose it for no good reason and think my life is over and you will have to be good and ready to listen to all that bullshit.”
I am finding that as I get older my friendships are weakening.
As my best friend used to say “there are the kind of fish that are on the surface and hang out up near the top of things and there are the bottom dwellers, down in the murk, we are those kind of fish, the fish that swim deep.” Now I agree with this woman completely but even she is not my best friend anymore. We are all starting to really do our thing and put ourselves, our jobs, our partners, our parents and our dogs in front of spending time with each other.
And it’s easier to email and text than call. And things get misunderstood, and sides have to be chosen.
For the first time in my life I lost a friend. I have a womans group and we have been having monthly intentionally gathers for over 10 years but in the past few years- it has been drying up. Gatherings don’t happen easily anymore. Honestly if I could live in a Big Love family compound I would. We don’t have to share husbands but a bunch of us all living on some land, fighting and laughing and working together sounds like heaven to me.
So last year, for many different and long drawn out but very air tight reasons me and another member of our womens group had a falling out. It was heartbreaking for me to learn that a friendship, a sisterhood could actually be broken for good- with the person that you think this is least likely to ever happen to and then it does.
Too much hurt.
Too much anger.
Too much places rubbed raw.
And we both know that love and forgiveness is ultimately most important and so we tried, really tryed to let the hurt go and there is still too much pain. There will always be a glaze between us because when you know it can be broken it’s never really safe again is it?
Ya, so friendships are fragile. This is something I have just learned. So I guess that’s where the space comes from all of us now, because if you know that things can go wrong, you are a bit more careful aren’t you? The entanglement of two women is so strong that if separated, afterwards you feel the distance.
Which is okay. Things change. I’m not hard done by. I’m just a bit tougher.
And when you don’t call as much as you used to, or you miss my birthday, or you cancel our date again because the kids are sick again or for whatever reasonable reason- I find myself rebelling because I long for it to be the way it was- when we were in love with each other and we would go out dancing together and we would take off our tops and howl at the moon and we would dream big and spend time talking about the bigness of our dreams. When we ruled this town!
No more abandonment into pure love.
That time is done. And we are in our houses, with our spouses and if I had to choose it wouldn’t be you in first place anymore. At all. And the earths axis tilts.
So yoga teacher, I thank you for wanting to call us friends, but we are not friends. It takes a long time to make that word and a lot of effort to hold that word strong and neither of us probably have the energy for it. As my dear pal Beyonce once said “I don’t think you can handle this.”
Let’s just stick to backbends shall we.