Why do I hate myself for feeling sad? Every time that something happens in my life to upset me I immediately tell myself why I’m a bad person for feeling sorry for myself. I’m over reacting, there are people who have it worse who are more together, how can I even presume to know what real sadness is? So I guess what I’m meaning to say is that I don’t feel worthy of being sad. Thanks for any response you may be able to send my way!
I went to a yoga class last night and the teacher was from out of town so had an air of mystique around him. I don’t go to yoga for fun. I go to survive, so let’s just say I treat the space pretty sacred. After the class my friend approached the teacher to tell him how much she liked his class. He called her a Goddess and kissed her right on the mouth. I was immediately angry. I don’t see him kissing any men in the class on the mouth. I don’t hear him calling them Gods? “Why the fuck does this shitfuck get away with this sexist shit?” I thought to myself walking home. I wanted to call him on it but my second impulse was to feel shame. “I wish I didn’t have these negative thoughts” and “maybe he’s just more enlightened than me” and “I’m a prude.”
Then before bed I read an article about a woman who’s unborn baby was cut out of her uterus because she was in a bi-polar episode and went to the hospital for help. They sedated her and performed a cesarean without her consent.
This made me terrified because I’m a new mom and I’m not doing very well at the moment. My own mom recently died and I’m exhausted and can’t seem to spend an entire day with my kid. I’m lucky to have a supportive partner who is taking the load but I feel really ashamed about this. As I’m trying to fall asleep I start to think about everyone who has it worse than me and what a selfish megalomaniac I am.
All around us is pain and suffering. I see posts on facebook about cruelty to animals and I walk down the street and see frenzied drug addicts. It’s grey outside, fracking is bad and the moon is in the phase that makes us crazy. We are empathetic creatures so all this stimulus enters us but we have no idea what to do with it because the one thing we know for sure, we are not allowed to feel bad, sad or mad about it. That’s just low vibration.
And then I woke up this morning and I got your email and hearing about how sad you were made me feel a lot better. Ha! Because I remembered I’m not alone.
I have no advice to give you on the subject. All I can say is I feel sad too and I bet a whole shit ton of other lucky and privileged people out there are as sad as you. And just like you, I bet we all feel undeserving about it. But this impulse to stuff it down and feel ashamed of our “first world problems” doesn’t seem to be taking away the sadness. Neither does signing up for e-courses or shopping on Black Friday.
So all I can say is Thank You. Thank you for sharing your sadness with us.
There is a lot to be sad about and I think the one thing that makes me feel a bit better is to be reminded that we’re all in this together.
Also, cute things laughing helps.