My father and I are estranged at the moment which is a bit of an oxymoron I know, the “at the moment” part. It’s a long story but the basis of it is I’m right and he is wrong and I will not forgive him till he apologizes. For being a dad on his timeline, a dad when he felt like it, a dad who yelled too much, demanded too much and felt too much in front of me- leaving me with the great responsibility of taking care of his happiness and the pressure to perform perfectly in my role of “his daughter.”
So now, as a grown-up woman, I am asking for some unconditional love.
Dad, can you just set yourself aside for one minute and do as I ask. Love me. Even if I’m rude to you, cold with you, mad at you, mean to you-love me. This will be healing for me. This will help me forgive you.
And he won’t do it, he just won’t. He says, we are both adults now. He is truly sorry for being a bad dad sometimes. He is sorry we are not talking but he is not willing to give up his own self-respect. He is a man before he is a father and anyway there is no such thing as unconditional love. Even from a parent.
By the way, my father is a family therapist. We talk in this esoteric bullshiz a lot and that’s another thing I’m annoyed about. Can’t we just be a normal family who plays crib, ignores each other and drinks too much?
Why do we always have to deeply process our inner turmoil?
I asked my boyfriend late one night if he would go to jail for me for a crime that I committed.
Say, like I did something really bad. Would you rat me out to the cops? I asked. He said it depends on the crime. I got mad. I want you to go to jail for me no matter what I do. I want you to stick up for me at all costs and I want to know you will take a bullet.
Ya well, what if you hurt someone or did something I disagree with?
I want you to love me no matter what. I want you to take the bullet.
I was distant with him for the next few days. I was punished him for not taking my proverbial bullet.
I guess I have this thing about being unconditionally loved. It’s the “would you stay with me if I gained 125 pounds in a year?” question.
Well, would I stay with him?
I am afraid that the answer may be no and that is a tough pill to swallow.
Love is conditional?
Love is a decision?
You best be on your game or else your buddy will go play with someone else.
I want to hear about unconditional love. I want to hear about the times when no matter what- you were true.