How to be Ideal. Seriously. I got this.

When taking the dog for a walk, don’t take your phone with you- just go for a walk.

Use really nice face cream. I like rose face oil myself. Put it on every single night. Especially when you feel like shit.

Suck a dick, eat a pussy or touch yourself monthly. Crude. I know. But still true. *I find this one very difficult

Change your sheets at least every 2 weeks.

Go away by yourself once a year for a minimum of 4 days. No buts. I prefer 10 days.

Watch Louie. All of them.

Watch Tig. The documentary.

Hang out. Like, once a week, just “hang out” with friends, or be by yourself…just “hanging out.” Can you imagine?

Don’t worry about it if you smoke 1 cigarette a night.

If you have a mother, every time you see her, touch her.

If you want eyelash extensions- get them.

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If you can’t seem to find the time to trim your muff- don’t bother (same goes for armpits and legs).

You have to find the time to pluck/thread/wax your chin hair and eyebrows. This is not about the beauty myth, this is about taking 5 goddamned minutes for your face.

Have a friend that likes to tell you the most disgusting things. Recently my friend told me her and her boyfriend role played being “gimps under a bridge” while having sex and totally got into it. So. Awesome.

Find the worst possible angle on a body part and take a picture of it and send it to the person who will appreciate it the most. Here’s an example:

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*Ya, ya, I know. It’s horrific.  There’s more shame shots here too.

Whenever there is a chance to take a nap. Take the fucking nap.

Pee when you feel the urge.

Throw away all your underwear with holes in it. Like right fucking now.

Keep snacks in your bag so you don’t get hangry.

If someone’s being a dick to you in public say “wow, don’t be a dick!” and walk away.

Before you go to sleep every night, put your hand over your heart and breathe.

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That’s about it. Really.