Crack My Heart Open Why Don’t You?

The first time I went to a Spearhead Concert I was in my early 20’s. I went with a group of girlfriends and we all took ecstasy, me for the very first time. Spearhead came on stage. “When will I know I am high?” I asked my friends. They all laughed. “You’ll know.”

We began to dance.

spearhead

He got us jumping up and down. He made us put our arms all around each other until the entire stadium was encircled in a group hug. Then we sat on the ground and drummed our hands on the earth and as the music built we stomped our fists against the ground and then he got us jumping up with our hands in the air, trying to touch the sky, jumping like it would save the world.

crowdMichaelFrantiSpearheadatTWSSF2006photobyMattWalker

And I looked at my friends across the dance floor and I loved them deeper than I ever felt possible and I knew that I was high.

But not high on drugs.

I was high on love.

highlove

That night cracked open my heart in a way I did not know was possible. Yes I was technically loaded on a mash-up of horse tranquilizers and speed but I thought, “if I can feel this open when I am high, my body is capable of feeling this open when I am straight too”.

I had a revelation that night and I literally became a kinder and more considerate person from that day on.

Fast forward 10 years later to tonight. I went to a Spearhead concert again and this time I took my brother. We have never done anything social on our own before. We were on our first date.

sitting on shoulders

I’m not going to go into great detail about the artistry of Michael Franti. I don’t own any of his CD’s or Mp3’s or whatever the kids listen to these days but he is a fierce performer. He sings about death and loss. He lets me feel grief and pain and once again he cracked open my now quite crusty heart.

And this time I was not high.

runners high

But I felt high…with gratitude for my old friend who found us dancing that night and joined in (that same old friend who 10 years ago got me ripped at my first Spearhead Concert) and for my bro whose shoulders I was sitting on.

So my damn little beater is open again and even though it feels uncomfortable I want it to stay that way a bit longer.

It’s so easy for me to shut down…

rabbit-hole

…to go into my rabbit hole of doom…

rabbit-hole2

…and sit there on my stool complaining in the darkness while munching on some shitty carrot.

I prefer the open feeling much more, this raw thing on the front of my chest pulsing with calm.

So I request, for my Canadian Thanksgiving wish (that’s a Canadian tradition you know-if you make a wish to the Eskimo’s on Thanksgiving Day, while holding the turkey wishbone near your ear- your wish will come true).

wishbone

I will do one thing for 5 minutes every day that opens me up. Meditate…pray…do yoga… eat an ice cream…make love…call a friend…there are a lot of options.

My wish is that I get some help with this, I would like periodic reminders from the universe that crack through me like ecstasy about how good it feels and how easy it is to stay once you get there.

calm

Will you join me?

Are you in?

I wanna get thankful.