I don't want to be a man anymore.

My partner and I are into the whole nerdy new-age because it is really old-age view that in a relationship there is a masculine role and a feminine role. It doesn’t really matter who plays what role or if it is a gay or straight relationship or if the roles flux and change over time but you gotta hold opposite positions because when you don’t- you stop wanting to fuck and the relationship dies.

That’s a mouthful.

I guess what I mean is- I am recognizing that having polarity is helpful. Just like magnets, if our charge is the same-we begin to repel each other.

So I tend to agree with the New Age Man books out there that say “masculine energy” has to hold on to their purpose and power or else “feminine energy” will smell the weakness and be sickened by you. Harsh but true.

When my man is not masculine I want to crush him. I don’t feel safe letting go of all the organizing, labour and independence I have been stockpiling away for years. I hold on tight to that shit and I sometimes need him to make me relax.

Have an opinion. Tell me what to do. Don’t let me boss you around. Don’t leave. Keep trying. Love me through it. Drive out that heavy burden I carry so tightly. Please.

And my job being feminine is to surrender.

Even when every cell in my body is screaming nooooooooo, don’t let goooooooooooooooooooooo! I am learning to soften. In our relationship that means when we are on vacation I let him handle all the money. Like I literally don’t even think about the budget or where the cash is kept. I know it sounds so backwards and anti-feminist but it works for us. I soften and trust. He gets hard. And then we both want to…

It’s kind of a cave-man for the new-age woman thing.

I am a feminist. I deeply value all the efforts women have gone to for me to get to grumble about having too much power. I also recognize that this is probably a North American, middle class issue. But I do not want to be a man. I do not want to act like a man. I do not want to work like a man. I want to be feminine. I want to figure out how to chill the fuck out and wear a goddamned summer dress and putter in the garden and cry at  cute animal YouTubes. I’m not saying all women need to practice this but I do. For me the pendulum has swung so far in the direction of “masculine energy” I am longing for a soft place to fall.

Did you know that it takes water to make a rock?

This is a parody video I find hilarious. It’s making fun of the opposite of what I have just written about. But all of it is hilarious really, all this trying to figure out the best way to love each other mumbo-jumbo. It’s hilarious and incredibly heated. Just writing this makes me fear hate mail about how ignorant I am to the everyday injustices of women. I am well aware that I live in a patriarchy. I am in fierce solidarity with girls and women across the world. But I am not  fighting masculine energy with more masculine energy anymore. I am trying to find a way to be my fullest and brightest self, and surprise, surprise, I am searching for it in the feminine.

Each to their own is usually the best way to go and for the moment I like it when my man pulls my hair.