Is She Obsessed or Open Hearted?

Advice Column Question:

I am obsessed with my friend. I know obsess has a negative connotation, but I can’t think of a different one. I’m just endlessly fascinated with this friend and feel grateful and encouraged and happier about existing when I am with them. I’m think I am overwhelming them with my love and friendship and that makes me sad. It makes me feel like I’m too much for people and will there ever be anyone who really gets me and isn’t freaked out by me, etc.

Objectively I can identify that hey, people need space and time and don’t wanna kick it or text or whatever all the time. But in my heart of hearts, I feel like I’ll never be good enough. What do you suggest beyond my already regularly schedule therapist visits?

Answer:

Okay, I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say you are not obsessed with your friend but a bit in love with her instead. I have been in love with friends too and when it’s mutual it’s a fucking party all the time. So much fun!

The difference between being a bit obsessed and being in love with a friend is- when you love them you expect them to behave like a lover does and be as obsessed as you. When you are only a bit star stuck, it doesn’t matter so much what they do, you are happy to watch from afar.

It doesn’t seem your friend is in love with you back.

They have been good to you but they have boundaries.

This is something I’ll also go out on another limb to say you may not have so much of right now.

You know this friend is not going to match your style but you keep pushing them…I would offer up the option of taking the hint and focus your love on yourself for a bit.

Do you know how cool you are for being so open hearted to another woman?

Do you know how rare that is?

This friend can’t handle your intensity. That’s okay. Your intensity is you and will never change so no need to try and dampen yourself, but don’t put your awesome friend energy where it’s not reciprocated.

What are things you like doing when you feel a bit broken hearted and squished? (other than smoking drugs)

I think you should focus on doing that for a bit instead of your friend. Cuddle up with yourself.

You love someone and they don’t love you the same way. That’s sad and you should take the time to lick your wounds. Stop pushing so much. What you long for will come to you. I have a friend who told me once when I was in the throes of heartbreak…

“it’s your destiny to find love BECAUSE you want it so bad, the wanting is pulling it closer to you.”

There is one, maybe two people in my life that can handle my hugeness. My best friend and my husband and it’s even hard for them sometimes too. If you can find one person to match you in your lifetime you have struck gold.

This is not the one.

When you find the one you are going to go crazy with stars shooting out of your butt.

I can’t wait to hear about it. Keep being you. Just be nice to yourself about who you are too. Okay?

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