*This post is full of dirty words and descriptions of my sex life so family…proceed with caution.
QUESTION: I love my boyfriend. He’s the kind and sexy and playful and powerful, the best boyfriend I’ve ever had in fact- but sometimes I don’t want to have sex with him, like really don’t- at all. I don’t want to break up with him but in past relationships I’ve always wanted sex, felt driven for it. So this is kinda weird. What should I do?
ADVICE: Well first off I want to say congratulations. Welcome to the new shore. You have reached the place in a woman’s life where she hits the brick wall and just cannot, for any reason, fuck a man when she doesn’t want to anymore.
Because she’s fucked so many men she didn’t want to:
- To keep them interested.
To keep them from leaving her.
To prove she’s uninhibited and free.
Because she’d rather not make a fuss.
Because she’s supposed to enjoy sex and be free in her body.
Because she loves him.
Because she can’t think of a good enough reason why not to.
Because it turns her on that she has to work for it.
Because she’s scared he’ll cheat if she doesn’t satisfy.
Because it’s the single strongest tool she has to control him.
Because it makes him soft and vulnerable.
Because her fear of being left is stronger than her body saying no.
So you can’t do it anymore. You’ve crossed over. Welcome. Have a seat. Settle in. It’s relaxed over here.
When I met my husband he was the hottest, kindest, gentlest, truest, most loyal mother-effer I’d ever met in my life – and that was a total turn off for me.
I was used to having to work for it, strut for it, suck it and give it whenever a man wanted it and that unbalanced power dynamic became a turn on. My sexuality was my currency. I had to pay to play and if I didn’t he’d go somewhere else for it. So High Stakes, and it turned me on to have to turn him on but not like in a fun role-playing way, more like in a sad, stressful way.
It was also very damaging on my nervous system and heart. All the ups and downs and performance and fear…and finally I couldn’t smoke enough pot or cigarettes or pop enough pills to keep myself “chill” for him – so I hit the wall and crossed over.
So when I met my soul flame, and he loved all of me and didn’t demand sex from me- I was uncomfortable with his generosity and patience and kindness. He didn’t emotionally distance himself or threaten our relationship. He was there whether I wanted it or not. He took care of himself. And I had to re-learn how to have healthy sex. To be turned on by his presence, not his games.
I got to say no. And I felt guilty at first. And weird. And uncomfortable.
No. for no reason. Just no. Not tonight.
It’s like my little clamshell closed up and had to do some regenerative restoration now that it knew it was in safe hands.
I was healing from all the years of fucking dudes I didn’t want to and it was such a relief to know that my man was standing right beside me. I was his woman and he wasn’t going nowhere.
So, you’re taking a little healing break. And your man (if he’s your man) is gonna get and respect that. And there’s no pressure or rush because when you’ve healed it’s gonna get hot as all fuck.
Sex becomes mind-blowing and heart-cracking and God-like because your precious pussy trusts the soul inside you.
*Now one caveat to all this excitement.
You do need to ask your deepest self:
Do I trust this man? Do I want what he’s offering me?
And when you sit with that question the answer has to be a resounding hell yes! Even when I was on my “healing time” I looked at my man and I knew I wanted him forever. I felt it in my bones. There was no question that his love was the exact gift I’d been longing for.
Is it possible that you haven’t crossed over?
Is your body saying no because it finally feels safe enough to open up and heal?
Or is your body saying no because you’ve hit the brick wall and there’s something happening in the relationship that doesn’t make your soul feel safe?
That would be sad.
But I would recommend walking away.
Because when you stop sucking it to keep them by your side and give some space to let the right fit find you- you’re going to fall down in gratitude.
To have found my mate, the one I walk through the world with, completely myself, saying yes, saying no, saying maybe…and being fully seen and held and loved forever in all my stages of healing and learning and becoming…
It’s worth the wait.