NO.WAY.MAN

I don’t have a problem saying No.

My parents tell me it was my first word.

No. Way. Man. was the first phrase to be exact.

I have really good boundaries.

“No. I don’t want to”.

“No thanks”.

“Maybe next time”.

“Fuck off”.

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Sometimes I take it a bit too far, I remember in theatre school my best friend calling to ask if I wanted to go out that night with friends and I said “No.Way.Man, not enough notice, I got myself a date with a bag of chips”  and she got really mad. “For fuck sakes you are you 75? ever heard of spontaneity or having fun?”

In my mind I was taking care of myself but really I had just gotten lame.

I had become fixed.

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My point is- I have not been one to need to practice radical self-care and boundary setting like most women I know. I tend not to over-extend in the selfless front. I will say NO before I say YES and now I want to learn to soften up and give more than I think I can.

It’s time to practice letting my hair down and relax the fierce a tad.

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So recently, I had a baby and then my boyfriend and I were about to be married, so the whole family was in town. I also had a job deadline for a really cool thing but friends were calling me wanting to go to the beach. It was a really busy storyline. So, right at the climax of the scene my partner asked me to do something that I wasn’t in the mood for. I really didn’t want to do it.

I felt it in my cells that it was a bad idea.

I wanted to huddle up and say NO.WAY. MAN.

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But nope, not this time because I am practicing. “Expand Emelia” I say to myself. “Don’t be selfish. Stretch. Get bigger. Be more. You can do it. Go wide on this one. Be huge. Reach. Grow.”

So I do.

I give my everything. I push all of myself aside. I play the part as best I can…

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And I fall.

I end up crying and mad and lame and exhausted and overwhelmed and fucked.

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Boundaries are beautiful.

They are hard won.

Never expand at the expense of yourself.

It’s a powerful and profound thing to know how to say no.

No. Way. Man. 

Sometimes even if it makes you the bad guy in the story- ya just gotta stick to your guns.