I hate the blogger who gives me advice on how to live and better myself when that said blogger is just a normal human being.
I hate the food that I want to stuff in me for a late night snack.
I hate the pot that I want to smoke that will take me away from here.
And I know I sound jaded and ridiculous. And I know I’m supposed to feel lucky and grateful.
And If I had sex I would feel better. But I don’t want to.
And if I did yoga I would feel better. But I for sure don’t want to.
I just want to feel like shit. I want to stew in my own gas. I want to feel what I g*ddamn feel. Why am I not allowed to feel like sh*t? Why when I feel like sh*t is my first instinct to ignore it, then maybe try to see the silver lining then feel like sh*t for feeling like sh*t.
Do other people feel like sh*t?
Do other people have dark judging thoughts of disgust for humankind pouring like lava through their veins?
Am I that unenlightened?
Should I go into a hole and stay there till my histrionics stop?
How about this, NO!
It is hard out there and I am lonely and people are weird and friends are busy and my job is rough.
I put my arms around and hug this feeling like sh*t feeling.
“Good for you” I say. It’s f*cking sh*t show out there and most people are a**holes and not only that you sound like you grew up in a trash can. Roll around in it you sh*t feeling sad sack. Roll around in your own misery. You will be rolling around alone because it sure doesn’t love company.
And that’s what it comes down to really, all this anger and venom and judgment is really just a whole lot of serious protection from being hurt.
I hate you because you tried and I didn’t. (I should clarify that I am using the word hate for dramatic literary purposes, I don’t actually hate you at all, in fact I’m probably in love with you.)
I am so sad and so scared that I am useless and forgettable that I will push you away.
I will push pleasure away and I will push intimacy away and I will have critical analysis on my side because not putting up these boundaries would mean that we are the same and if we are the same… I am done for. Follow?
When I am in my groove and doing my thang’ and getting enough sleep and being appreciated I actually don’t hate much at all. I’m pretty cool with most of the sh*t around me. It’s when I am down and dark and slogging in the mines that the hate comes out in force. It is a hard bugger to put back to bed let me tell you.
I’m sure you know.
I hope you know.
So I’m gonna’ just feel it tonight.
I’m gonna’ let it be and let it roll and get down and dirty with it because tonight the sh*t needs my love and devotion.
The hate needs some tenderness too.