I get very protective over my personal space.

I get along quite well in crowds because I become all elbows.

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Put me into a situation where I have to get my immediate family out of some sort of military takeover and I will get us across the last free border just in time.

Partially it is because I am wildly loyal to those I love and the other part is that I am incredibly entitled.

I do believe I should be bumped to first class for no other reason than I’m me.

This privileged assumption is doubly weird considering I grew up in a trailer in the bush.

Once, on a flight to Australia it was almost an empty plane.

110211hubpmmidseat_512x288 Unheard of.

I had faked a back injury to the flight attendant to get a better seat and now I didn’t need to fake limp anymore. It was amazing. There were 3 free seats on one side of me. I noticed that there was also a row of 6 more free seats across the aisle. I put my bags on the first 3 free seats and I lay down spread eagled on the 6 centre aisle seats.

The flight attendant brought a man hobbling down the aisle with a neck brace and a leg cast on “Ma’am you are going to have to choose where you are going to sit for the flight, I’m sorry for your back pain but you cannot occupy 9 seats.” I felt very annoyed that a real life bag o’ bones trumped me. I gave him the centre aisle. Who wants the centre aisle anyway?

I think I get this trait from my father. He is a deeply generous man but cross him, or violate him in any way and you are going to get right ‘effed up. If someone is tailgating us, he will slow down to a crawl.

He used to have a bumper sticker that read:

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We have this family story about him driving to work along the same route, the same time every day and every day the exact same red sports car would zooooooom right past him. My father took this as a personal and civic offence. This driver was endangering others with reckless driving and it was my dad’s duty to make it right. He called the cops. He told them the exact place, make of car and speed it was zooooming past my father at the exact same time each day! The police never looked into it. So the story goes-my father went all Dog the Bounty Hunter on his ass.

The way my dad tells it, he crapped in a bucket for a week.

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He put the crappy bucket in his car and headed off to work like always- except this time he followed the potential man slaughterer. He chased him down.

He let him park and he watched him get out of his car and walk into work. My father then smeared his weeks worth of poop all over the windshield, the door handles and right up inside the cracks so it would be impossible not to touch it. He dumped the rest of the shit on the car hood. My dad, finally being able to rest after completing his mission, headed off to his job as a family therapist and started taking clients for the day.

He felt lighter. He felt like justice was served.

I asked him, “Dad how is this guy going to know that he has human shit on his car because he was driving recklessly? You didn’t even leave a note or anything?”

“Oh he’ll know” my dad answered, “he’ll just know.”

I’m not sure if this is one of those stories we wish was true or if it actually happened? Ask my Dad and he’ll admit to it, but that’s not really proof.

Excuse the pun but he is a bit of a shit disturber.

Even though this example may be deemed absolutely bat shit crazy I can relate to it. My father wanted to carry out vengeance on someone who was not following the rules.

His rules.

I feel the same way when people don’t do what I want them to, especially strangers in public situations.  I want to teach them a motherfucking lesson.

I was recently on a plane and the madman behind me would not let up on kicking the seat. He was also punching the TV behind my head like it was a touch screen. He was playing cards really loudly and had no sense of anyone else in the cabin. I tried to talk to him but he was Dutch so didn’t understand me, or he pretended not to.

He also just did not seem to care.

It was like he was totally socially clueless.

He just kicked, kicked, pummel, kick, head-butted for 7 goddamn hours straight.

I began punching the headrest so he would get the hint he was annoying me but that seemed to provoke him further, it was like he thought we were now playing a game of morse code with our back and forth punching.

I gave myself a headache from banging the seat with the back of my head.

At one point he took off his shoes so I could smell his rotten feet and then it felt like he began leg wrestling with his friend beside him and the back of my chair was the goal post. I knew I was fighting a losing battle when I looked back and he was leg wrestling with his friend beside him.

He also kept yelling across the aisle at a family member. As I said before he was Dutch so I have no idea what he was saying, but it was piercing to the ears.

I felt what my dad felt. I wanted to show this person the proper way to behave. I wanted to punish him for his actions. I was losing my shit. How can people behave in such an animalistic way? How can you be so self-centered?

I took a few covert photos of him while he was busy eating his ice cream snack.

 

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If you see this dude and he is sitting behind you on an airplane change your mother fucking seats fast. Upgrade. Do what you must.

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Cause this guy was a complete sadist.

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He was a heartless torturer.

When we got off the plane he even had the gall to stick his tongue out at me.

But I won in the end alright. Oh ya! I stuck mine out right back at him, meaner and for much longer too.

Vengeance was mine.