I feel the burning hate course through my head. My face is flushed. My skull is tight. I can literally feel my reptilian lobe pulsing and contracting shooting poison acid throughout my nervous system. I could go into detail over who wronged me. Who the stupid fuck is that is trying to ruin my life, what they did, and how they deserve to scream in pain.
But that’s not even the issue. The issue is how angry I am.
Okay, so people are stupid fucks sometimes. Like people can be real assholes, out to get you, mean and cruel dick-offs who salivate at seeing me suffer, people can be really, really mean and selfish and I have just started to learn that I cannot make all these motherfuckers pay. I cannot.
Cause the back of my brain hurts and I’m breathing fire and that cannot be good for me. That stupid book I’m reading right now, it’s called “A Course in Miracles” it says “I am not upset for the reason that I think”. Also, “I am upset because I see something that is not there”. Now, in some cases, I can understand this, but in this particular example Goddamn it No! I am definitely upset for the reason that I think. In the book it speaks to this, it says, even if you know you are upset for a reason, try for the day, to suspend judgement and say the sentence “I am not upset for the reason that I think” just try it. Okay, okay, I will.
I hold on so tight to being right- this is why I am so angry. Because how dare, how dare someone be wrong on my time and make me effort or get upset. How dare they think that they are right. A possible miscommunication? I guess, because the other party is deaf and stupid. A possible mistake that gentle consideration can rectify? No fucking way. I will slash your fields with fire, rape your children, eat your still beating heart while you watch. Then you will know who’s better.
So what do I do to take the hate burn away? Smoking sometimes helps, and yoga, writing it out is somewhat cathartic if I imagine people are reading it. In Tantra, (in the small amount I have watched on you-tube so far) it talks about using all your emotions, not trying to push them down, but using them to fuel your practice. The practice of being totally present and full of life and experience and not shying away or watering it down but sitting in the centre of the fire and transforming it into present moment heart conciousness maybe even compassion.
This is why I should not hit reply on the email machine until I have meditated because now already I kinda feel bad for shooting off such a quick-tempered retort. But seriously, they deserve it, don’t be a douche.
How could I change it next time? Instead of jumping to anger, jump to asking a question.
Why did you do this sir?
Why are you treating me this way Ms?
Why do I feel like I want to punch you pal?
Cause really, if I am really in control of my life, if I am making my own decisions and free and as important and powerful as I think I am than these stupid fucks can’t touch me. I’m golden.
Even if it means I have to move.
God my neighbors are such assholes.