My boyfriend knocked on the large front door. Before his knuckles lifted from the rap the door opened and we were ushered quickly inside. A cat quickly started weaving in and out between my legs. “Her name is Halle,” the woman said softly about the beautiful black siamese cat. I giggle. I always like a bit of unintentional racism.
There was nothing in the house that didn’t need to be there. I could feel that. I could feel that everything was exactly where it was meant to be. I looked in the pen drawer; they only had three, three really high quality pens that worked really well. They live in that drawer; you must have to use them near the drawer so they don’t ever go missing.
Dinner was highly uncomfortable. My impulse was to take off my top and start hitting my tits on the top of their heads, playing a game of duck, duck goose. I have no ideas what taboos I actually did smash through. I noticed that they spit their olive pits into select spoons and then they place the spoon in a bowl to deposit the pit. I put a paper napkin in the garbage and all of a sudden that was the time to take out the garbage. The bathroom was a dream for a sneaker snooper like me. The creams, the lotions, the possibilities! Normally I might even take a few testers home but I knew they would be missed so I just plied my face with layer and layer of emollient. By the time I was done they were waiting for us in the hot tub. I peed and rushed downstairs, I felt a nagging sensation and realized I had caught myself in a fatal mistake; I raced back up and flushed.
We sat together in the hot tub. Our knees kept bumping. It was comfortable for two, so four was a bit overcrowded. We all looked towards the centre of the tub, glazed eyed and shriveling inside.
“We cannot wait to tell them you stayed with us,” the woman said finally. “They will be so mad that you didn’t ask to stay with them.” So that’s it, they are putting themselves out like this for vengeance on the family, makes perfect sense. I finally removed myself and rushed upstairs to bed. The siamese cat, Halle followed me up, I wondered for a moment if she had been implanted with a camera so whatever she saw they saw. I was careful to undress extra sexy for the audience.
We get up in the morning and the house is empty. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I feel this lead balloon of cancer float up from my chest. I went straight for the cupboard and got the coffee beans. I took them over to the industrial grinder that shone “like the top of the Chrysler building!” and started to fuss. I banged and pushed and grunted but those fucking beans would just not grind. I hit and pressed and banged some more and finally the shit hot contraption shot on. Coffee grinds light-beamed across the kitchen, the fine dust exploded over and inside of everything in a 5-meter radius. The cutlery drawer was wide open and as the bean dust shot up my nose I sneezed uncontrollably multiple times all over their utensils. The grinding finally stopped and I was on the ground- I had slipped and fell on my own sneeze spit.
It was then that the slogan came to mind. “You can take the girl out of the trailer but…”
I spent the day getting high in their backyard and doing yoga on the sun deck. It was lovely.
After years of pretending to have money, pretending to have social standing, pretending to know what fork to use I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I thought “It’s so much easier to be trailer trash than a tight ass”.