I’m a pusher.
This is my nature.
It’s who I’ve been my entire life.
It’s exhausting to be a pusher but it’s also exhilarating.
There’s not much more satisfying then ticking off my to do list.
There is such a sweet pleasure in letting my head hit the pillow and knowing that I worked today. I made something. I lived.
I’m worthy of this life.
But sometimes as I’m falling asleep, the question enters my mind, aren’t you still worthy if you did absolutely nothing today?
Aren’t you worthy just being you?
So when I’m told that “I need to float down the river of life and let the current take me where I’m already going” (you know that phrase that every self help book starts with) this wash of relief and calm float over me.
Yes! Yes! That’s what I need to do. I need to float down the river of life and let the current take me where I’m already going! I have no control. I’m not the boss. I have to learn to be still. I have to be ok just being me.
And the struggle begins.
Because “floating in the river of life and letting the current take me where I’m already going;” is not easy for me.
I’m the fish jumping up the waterfall.
The release into surrender and trust is actually harder for me than the effort of doing.
I just had a new website made. It’s beautiful.
I asked my Chinese Astrologer friend what the “absolute best day to launch in the month of September” would be and she said Sept 6th.
So, on launch day I was sick. Pregnant. My kid was teething. My husband was working 2 jobs and I willed myself to stay up till midnight by watching funny you tubes so I could launch the site on the day my oracle told me to.
Through sweaty sheets, prying my eyes open with forks, sneezing into my shirt, I lay in bed, waiting for my web designer to text me and tell me the site was live.
She texted. I hit send. I told everyone I knew. I asked my entire community to support the new site. I posted the shit out of it.
I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up to another text.
10 minutes after we had launched, the site had crashed.
My designer had stayed up all night trying to fix it. It was now working, kinda like a 3-legged dog but with no sparkles as I’d promised.
Does this sound like fun to you?
Is this pushing working?
I’m showing you the nuts and bolts of my brain so you can relate to how pathetic it all is.
Or is it?
I went for a walk after I got off the toilet to clear my head and I ended up at a revival. Like a big rock and roll Jesus show.
But no one was there.
Only the sound guy and the minister.
Holy Fuck, even Jesus feels like a loser sometimes.
Anyone you see who is successful has sat on the toilet crying- a lot.
Every single person you look up to has failed- miserably- multiple times, in horredous, game changing, soul twisting ways.
Her business partner blackmailed her.
She was sued.
He went bankrupt twice.
No one came to Jesus’s party!
And they kept swimming upstream. They didn’t stop.
*(control click and you can download this pic)
Our “floating down the river” moments are sacred and necessary, but they are not supposed to happen all the time. Even when meditating, we are not floating; our minds are learning to be disciplined and clear. When doing yoga, we are not floating, we are noticing every finite muscle movement and challenging our bodies into stillness and strength.
She wrote from 5am-10am every morning while the kids slept and this weekend she’s premiering at TIFF.
She ran 5x a week rain or shine, instead of seeing her new boyfriend and just completed her first marathon.
He kept asking people for money even though it was annoying and finally got enough to hire an editor for his book.
It’s not pretty.
I’m not even saying it’s a good thing.
It’s just my nature.
I do need to practice floating more.
Like right now, I’m lying in bed with the computer balanced on my big belly and after I hit save I’m taking a nap.
Then I’ll wake up, show the babysitter what’s for lunch and get back to it.
Because I’m a pusher.
And if mothers didn’t do the impossible to lay their eggs there’d be no more salmon.
Next week I’m writing about “how to float down in the river of life and let the current take me where I’m already going” cause that’s an important thing for a pusher like me to learn how to do. Feel free to send your suggestions? I’ve got taking Ativan and baking pot cookies covered.