Rules For Writing An Email (for people under 75)


You begin with a hello. Cheerio. Greetings. I usually say Hey Pal.

  • To the dopes who jump full speed into their request or point of conversation- think of the greeting like foreplay, soften me up a bit before you try to ram it in. Much thanks.

Next you might ask a question. This is fine. I like questions. They make me feel important. So I answer your question. I put time and effort into thinking about creative solutions to your need. I stop and re-read your request and then I get even more specific with my ideas. I give you the gift of my time and there’s nothing more precious than that.

Now you write me back within two days. If you can’t write me back within two days you write to tell me that you can’t write me back right away, but you will be writing back soon. When you do write me back (which you will) please thank me for taking the time to answer your question. Tel me that you appreciate me. Say thank you in three different ways. If you are really cool, you send me a picture of something cute.

  • To the dopes who don’t write me back to say thank you. I know who you are and you are never getting anything from me ever again. You have been severed from my compassionate heart. You are cut off. You are insolent and rude and your centrality is burned into my brain forever. You know who you are and so do I.

Next, you ask me something about myself “How’s the book going?” or  “How’s the kids” or “It’s getting dark early now hey?” You feign interest in my personal life so we can pretend you aren’t just emailing me to ask for a favour. You offer up a suggestive comment that could mean you care about me too. So after you’ve warmed me up, you had your way with me, now it’s time to pass me a glass of water.

Remember, we are all real people on the other side of your screen. We are working just as hard as you. Probably harder. And if someone takes their time and gives it to you– you better act grateful for it. And if you’re not, once again, Culled.

I’m telling you this to save you from wrath. Because this shit will catch up to you. We talk to each other about who wrote that shitty email and what bad manners they had. We have those conversations. We pass your name around.

Lastly, don’t be scared. Be honest and kind and blow some smoke up my ass. I’ll run the distance for that.

If it helps, try pretending that we are talking on the phone. We are friends. We are holding up our ends of the conversation. We are not animals in the wild defecating on each other and eating it. We take our time and spell check and be polite.

When signing off, I prefer a Best, or Best Wishes or All best, I also like a simple x.