I feel the skin around my spine splitting open and cracking away. I feel like I am getting to big for myself and having to expand outwards and this process hurts. There was no warning either. One day I was doing fine. The next I was flat on my back writhing in the grips of spiritual angst I would not wish on a shark attacking me.
I did not know before, if I am good and do good and hope and pray and beg – that the wish may still not come true.
I did not know before that my deepest desire might not happen.
I did not know before that all my pushing and pulling and scratching and wanting has worn me out so fully all I can do is lie in this chair with a blanket on and rest my wrists on the laptop to type this.
I did not know that I have a limit.
I do not know what to do now.
My options are:
Trust the universe to care for me. I have issue with that right now as I was just practicing that belief and in my opinion it failed.
Trust my partner and friends to pick up my slack.
Change my entire world paradigm.
From: The belief that my actions matter and my thoughts matter and what I want matters and will be heard and made manifest.
To: The belief that yes, it all matters, but just because it matters doesn’t mean anything else. It just matters. Mattering doesn’t mean fulfilling. Mattering doesn’t mean happening.
I don’t do yoga so that my mom won’t die of cancer. I do yoga to quiet my mind.
I don’t eat healthy so that someone will love me and I will look good. I eat healthy to respect my body.
I used to think that I do things for things. That there was currency in everything. I do this and then this will happen and through a recent turn of events where clearly what I wanted with all my heart didn’t happen I now have to re-evaluate.
Because I’m tired of this game. “Be careful what you think and what you say, it matters”. It’s all going up on a chalkboard and some asshole is tallying up your scores and you may or may not get what you want because you were not good enough, pure enough, committed enough. Keep working soldier.
I AM THE BEST SOLDIER AROUND. I effort hemorrhoids, I give my blood and poison relationships for what I believe in and then I STILL don’t win the war. I cannot play anymore.
So my lats and shoulders are cracking out of this layer of dark hardened skin. It hurts. My spine is being pulled on to straighten. And I am being asked to do the opposite of what I knew in my mind to be perfectly true. I am being asked to do nothing.
Watch yourself unfold.
It hurts I know, take it slow.
Expanding is dark work. It is alone work. Sitting on the toilet, full of panicked energy, rocking back and forth, not even the courage for tears, just a blank dry horror coming out of my mouth and my belly full of black.
And then there is a pause from the contraction. I run the tub. I crawl in. I curl up.
I lay in the bath and I feel my back again. The razor shards cracking off, my spine is exposed and pulsing. I go under the water. I feel like I am going to vomit. It’s too hot in here. I want to escape. But I stay. If I puke in the tub then I puke in the tub. The waves of nausea over take me and I groan but I do not open my eyes. I let the world swirl. I let my brain take away my sight and my balance and my comfort and all I know is gone and I ride it out and slowly, slowly it passes. I have grown a bit more. I can feel it. A bit more of the work is done. And before I would have said “oh good. Done, now lets go get some more shit done!” But I know it doesn’t work like that anymore.
There is no such thing as good or done.
And God is not keeping track. God is not watching to see if I’ve learned enough yet to get what I deserve. God is like an old friend who wants me to be happy but knows it’s not her job to make me so.
And sure, I will sit and wait and see if a butterfly wants to land on my shoulder. If she does that would be nice. But I know hard it is to come out of that terror cocoon so I understand if she has better things to do with her day.