Moontime

I cannot seem to manage this PMS thing. I’ve had my period for 22 years and it still sneaks up on me monthly.

I kinda go off the rails.

First off, I have no perspective that this hate I feel is hormonally induced. When I am bleeding I truly in my deepest heart know that I:

1. Need to break up with my man.

2. Need to quit my job and re-start my life.

3. Everyone around me is out to ruin me.

4. Everyone else is a stupid douche.

And this happens every month. This knowing that the people I normally love and cherish are evil and are trying to hurt me. This reality that I am fat and horrible and a waste of space. I know this. I am not being dramatic here for literary purposes, I really and truly see the light and I KNOW.

It is scary because I feel as if I have no control over this monthly madness. That is what it is- I have a total lack of reign on my emotions. I have no ability to distinguish between my period thoughts and my normal thoughts. I scare myself. I’m no fun to be around. I’m tight and mean. I want to rip myself out of my own nasty skin and slaughter happy families.

Someone once told me that menstruation is a time where once a month a woman gets to really react without sensors to how she actually feels in the world. She gets to be honest with herself.

If that’s the truth I am in big trouble.

I wish I could go into a Red Tent. I wish I could take myself out of the world for a week and not worry about being an asshole or feeling horrible or if I might be crazy. I wish I could just bleed and be angry and writhe around like an animal and let it be. I would like to allow myself to feel how I feel and not necessarily attach to the feelings, but know that I am safe inside walls of thick fabric that dampen the sound and pillows that soften the blows  and there is no one around to hurt and it is okay to be bat shit out of control.

Wouldn’t that be a relief?