I have big feelings.

My inner life is an ocean with strong tides that sometimes pull me out to sea.
gorgeous sea

My shaman told me this. He didn’t use the ocean analogy but he said “you have big feelings, bigger than most people. This is hard for you. If most people’s feelings were like this ————————————————.

Yours are like this _______/————-\_______/————\________/———–\_______/”

He also didn’t use the computer key art analogy either but I wanted you to get the picture.

When I had my first child I decided that the feelings I was feeling were too much to bear so I self-diagnosed myself with Post-Partum Depression and started going to a support group.

I had all the symptoms:

  • Moody
  • Disconnected from my son
  • Angry with my husband
  • Sleep deprived
  • Insecure thoughts about my ability to parent

But I was nothing like these women in the circle. They had extreme anxiety. One couldn’t enter the room without crying and some would just sit in a ball and rock. In the second class the facilitator herself cried into her sons baby blanket for 45 minutes. I walked out and never went back.

After my mom died I crashed again. I was in London Drugs and I saw a new mother and grandmother with a baby deciding on what diapers to buy. Witnessing this and knowing that I would never have it brought me to my knees. I dropped to the floor and sobbed in the middle of the baby aisle.

Soon after I diagnosed myself with Complicated Grief Disorder.
lightning ocean

I had all the signs:

  • Do you want to talk about the deceased?
  • Do you wear the deceased clothing or jewelry to feel close to them?
  • Do you sometimes feel the pain is unbearable?
  • Is it hard for you to believe they are really gone?
  • Are you having difficulty getting back to regular life?
  • Has the deceased been dead for over 6 months?

Psychiatry is prescribed to manage the emotions of Complicated Grief Disorder. I was comforted by the fact that I had “a problem” but the grief of loosing my mother didn’t get any better. Instead of psychiatry I started using pot and Ativan to curb the pain. I’d feel the horror start to rise in my belly and I’d pop a pill and feel better. This was quite effective until my tolerance for the pills grew and my stupid doctor wouldn’t prescribe me any more for fear of me developing an addiction.

Recently I started reading a book about Borderline Personality Disorder because I was told that a family member might have it. I wanted to understand him better so I read it and by the end of the book I realized it wasn’t him that suffered from this complex disorder it was me.

Are you sometimes afraid you will be alone forever? Yes. Do you jump to conclusions? Yes. Do you tend to see the world from your own perspective? Yes. Do you have a strong intuition? Yes. Are you successful?

Holy shit. I’m a textbook case. I should be locked away, hopefully before my husband leaves me.

It was all very overwhelming, to find so many things wrong with me within such a short period of time. This is a disorder too you know, It’s called Hypochondria.

It’s hard to manage such big emotions and sometimes people are frightened of my potential.

tsunami fake

So it’s tempting to define myself and medicate myself and dull myself. Sometimes I think it would be easier on everyone.

But is it possible that all that’s wrong with me is I have a lot of waves inside.

There’s a lot of motion in this sea.

And my tides turn quickly with the moon cycle.

There are creatures way-down-deep relying on my current.

sea animals

This ocean is not for beginners.

It’s rarely placid but always interesting.

unique

It looks menacing until you get to know the sweet spots.

And the locals love it.

surfing

They come here every day to surf.