I was recently asked- how do you do what you most want to do when you don’t have the confidence to do it yet?
It’s funny, I ask a lot of questions but I don’t usually get asked for answers.
For this, I have one.
You won’t get confident. Ever. Who the fuck says confidence is part of the bargain?
Every time I send out a post I wonder will this be the one that makes everyone turn away for good? Every single time I ask myself- should I delete it? I lay in bed at night and writhe around like a wounded snake when I am in the midst of a creative project. I projectile vomit on opening nights.
If you are living on your edge you will never, for the rest of your life feel confident or comfortable in any way.
Here’s what I think I know so far:
We feel like shit when we are not doing what we are here to do.
What we are here to do is:
What we think about the most.
What we are jealous of in others.
When we do it we feel like the queen and king of everything.
When we do it we connect as equals with everyone around us.
When we are doing it falling into bed at night feels glorious.
When we are doing it we don’t want wine or smokes or pills or facebook.
We may not like doing it all the time because doing it takes so much blood energy but not doing it is not really an option because…
Not doing it makes you mean.
Not doing it makes you ache everywhere.
Not doing it fills you to the brim with all kinds of terrible.
Confidence has nothing to do with it.
You have to do what you long to do- every day if you can.
Whether you get paid or not for it.
Whether you share it with others or not.
Even if someone tells you that you suck at it.
Even when you know there are more important things to be done first (like the dishes in the sink right now that I told my man I would get better at doing but I’m sorry I have to do this first-thank you).
Even if it’s a shamefully gross version of what your full vision is (for example: if you want to be a stand up comic like Louie C.K – write two jokes and tell them to your friend over the phone) just do something, anything at all…
Sometimes you feel you are doing something but it’s not quite it yet. You are close but there is still an inkling of frustration inside. This means you are nearby, but you have to stretch further. You have to find the exact spot that is yours. You will know the place when you ask “if I die and I haven’t done this yet, can I live with myself?” and the answer is no.
*By the way, if I died I would not be able to live with myself because the thing I really want to do is still not being done on a regular enough basis. Because it’s so fucking scary…so I am not the expert on doing it. I am more of the expert on how it feels when you don’t do it.
You know you are doing it when you like being still.
When you make jokes with strangers at convenience stores.
When it does not take effort to be kind.
You know you are doing it when-some days it feels like the hardest thing you have ever done and some days it feels like the easiest thing you have ever done, and both feelings feel good.
It is worth it.
But that doesn’t really matter.
The secret is to feel the opposite of confident.
You have to be scared shitless to make your best thing.