It’s funny how things are constantly changing in my mind about what I want and need. Funny in a knife in my intestines kind of way. I have longed for things with all my heart and soul, in such an intense and deep way that I would physically prostrate myself, all hands on deck, belly on the earth, praying for it. I would write to it, meditate on it, do yoga for it, talk to friends about it, work hard and be focused and drive bargains and slash and take to get it! And then- indeed I do get the thing I wanted so badly with all my heart. Hurrah! Dance party! God exists! I am on top of everything that is on top of everything else! Success-mate!
And soon, like clockwork…
…after awhile of looking at it, having it, sleeping beside it, something new starts to creep in.
I don’t think I want it anymore at all. I could actually do without it. It even starts to become annoying.
That is sick.
That is sad.
Does this mean that all I ever want I won’t really want so don’t worry too much?
Does that mean I am fickle and full of shit?
Does this mean that nothing really means anything?
If so, my heart is quite a bit broken.
If so, what a huge relief.
Now excuse me cause I gotta’ go do a shitload of stuff that I don’t want to do so that I can get to a place where I think I want to be only to find that now there is something else I want to do more than anything.