It is so funny how everything is constantly changing

It’s funny how things are constantly changing in my mind about what I want and need. Funny in a knife in my intestines kind of way. I have longed for things with all my heart and soul, in such an intense and deep way that I would physically prostrate myself, all hands on deck, belly on the earth, praying for it. I would write to it, meditate on it, do yoga for it, talk to friends about it, work hard and be focused and drive bargains and slash and take to get it! And then- indeed I do get the thing I wanted so badly with all my heart.  Hurrah! Dance party! God exists! I am on top of everything that is on top of everything else! Success-mate!

And soon, like clockwork…

…after awhile of looking at it, having it, sleeping beside it, something new starts to creep in.

I don’t think I want it anymore at all. I could actually do without it. It even starts to become annoying.

That is sick.

That is sad.

Does this mean that all I ever want I won’t really want so don’t worry too much?

Does that mean I am fickle and full of shit?

Does this mean that nothing really means anything?

If so, my heart is quite a bit broken.

If so, what a huge relief.

Now excuse me cause I gotta’ go do a shitload of stuff that I don’t want to do so that I can get to a place where I think I want to be only to find that now there is something else I want to do more than anything.



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  1. says

    So, I know I’m a bit late to the game, but, I luckily just stumbled upon your blog yesterday, and I’m going back through and reading entries as I can. First of all, this FULLY resonates with me. I’ve never met anyone else quite like this before, and I’m not sure why I’m like this, but it drives me bat shitty mad. It makes me question if I actually ever really do want anything at all. Would I be more comfortable living in a stagnant pit of misery and boredom?! Secondly, you are amazing. It’s rare that I read a blog where I feel so connected with the author that I feel like we could, and should!, be friends. So, thank you, and keep up the good work.

    • Emelia Symington Fedy says

      yaaaaa! glad you found me. better late than never friend! To me the highest compliment on my writing is when someone tells me that they feel so connected to it they think we should be friends! so you made my day. thanks for that friend!

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