One of my best friends told me this incredible story. It is horribly embarrassing so I have taken out any identifiers. It is all true.
I feel like shit about this.
There is nothing.
I do other things, less important things, things I could give or take.
I feel like every task is time-wasting. I notice there are a lot of assholes around. I feel fat. I stop wanting to have sex…
One Saturday afternoon holding onto the end of my very frayed rope I finally just sat down and I asked. “Dear Lord almighty in heaven puhhhhllleasee just tell me where to step next. I neeeeeed a sign.”
And this is what I saw…
I cannot seem to manage this PMS thing. I’ve had my period for 22 years and it still sneaks up on me monthly. I kinda go off the rails. First off, I have no perspective that this hate I feel is hormonally induced. When I am bleeding I truly in my deepest heart know that I: 1. Need to break up with my man. 2. Need to quit my job and re-start my life. 3. Everyone around me is out to ruin me. 4. Everyone else is a stupid douche. And this happens every month. This knowing that the people I normally love and cherish are evil and are trying to hurt me. This reality that I am fat and horrible and a waste of space. I know this. I am not being dramatic here for literary purposes, I really and truly see the light and I KNOW. It is scary because I feel as if I have no control over this monthly madness. That is what it is- I have a total lack of reign on my emotions. I have no ability to distinguish between my period thoughts and my normal thoughts. I scare myself. I’m no fun to be around. I’m tight and mean. I want to rip myself out of my own nasty skin and slaughter happy families. Someone once told me that menstruation is a time where once a month a woman gets to really react without sensors to how she actually feels in the world. She gets to be honest with herself. If that’s the truth I am in big trouble. I wish I could go into a Red Tent. I wish I could take myself out of the world for a week and not worry about being an asshole or feeling horrible or if…
Happy Mothers Day to all the mother lovers out there. Here is a story I told about my tortured love relationship with my mama at The Flame, a storytelling series in Vancouver, BC. Mothers rule the Universe whether we want them to or not! Listen here. mothers-day-love-story Love, Emelia
*This essay is written from the point of view of a hetero 33-year-old white Canadian woman.
He left this morning for his Vipassana retreat. 10 days- no contact. Within 2 hours of his departure I found myself sitting on the couch in my underpants, eating a hotdog for breakfast…
I grew up in a trailer in the woods. It was not a luxurious double-wide but we did have an addition built on to it so there was an extra room. We grew meat birds and to keep the baby chicks warm in the spring we would keep them in the house under a heat lamp. I preferred them living in my bedroom so I would fall asleep every night to chirping of birds and the smell of tiny poos.
It’s funny how things are constantly changing in my mind about what I want and need. Funny in a knife in my intestines kind of way. I have longed for things with all my heart and soul, in such an intense and deep way that I would physically prostrate myself, all hands on deck, belly on the earth, praying for it. I would write to it, meditate on it, do yoga for it, talk to friends about it, work hard and be focused and drive bargains and slash and take to get it! And then- indeed I do get the thing I wanted so badly with all my heart. Hurrah! Dance party! God exists! I am on top of everything that is on top of everything else! Success-mate! And soon, like clockwork… …after awhile of looking at it, having it, sleeping beside it, something new starts to creep in. I don’t think I want it anymore at all. I could actually do without it. It even starts to become annoying. That is sick. That is sad. Does this mean that all I ever want I won’t really want so don’t worry too much? Does that mean I am fickle and full of shit? Does this mean that nothing really means anything? If so, my heart is quite a bit broken. If so, what a huge relief. Now excuse me cause I gotta’ go do a shitload of stuff that I don’t want to do so that I can get to a place where I think I want to be only to find that now there is something else I want to do more than anything. Hilarious. Amen.
This show blows my mind in so many ways. My boyfriend recently told me that this clip reminds him of my soul. I felt so known. I felt so seen. I know this child probably has a shitty situation happening and dear God please bless her but I am also reminded- Long live Miss Piggy! Princesses unite! When I see this kind of unabashed ownership of ones own power I believe again in a bright future. I just want to let it all hang out!
Happy Spring Forward!