Why is it so hard to get up off my rump and practice? Why is it the last thing I want to do? Why is it when I feel so edgy and crumbly and nutty and twinchy I would rather sit on this and eat on that and shit on him and snip at her. Why on earth do I prefer to stay this way? Please someone give me the courage to get my-dang-ass downtown on the ground to pray for some holy redemption- or at least for a clean, deep breath. Dear bloody-brilliant-gnarly-barley all-powerful-one help me to not be so goddamned arrogant that I cannot prostrate myself to your sweet self and surrender to the truth that I am nothing and have nothing without you. Hear my prayer. And in your love answer. Okay, fine. I’ll get on the ground for 10 min today. I’ll set a timer. I can do that. Let’s feel better together shall we, let’s lighten up, just for a bit, and then we can get back to the grind. Amen.
The happiest day of my honeymoon was when I ate chips in bed after a nap while he played angry birds on his Iphone beside me.
We saw some amazing things, don’t get me wrong.
A humpbacked whale breeched at sunset just for us.
We hiked 5 hours to the peak of a mountain and held each other while the sun and rain battled it out around us.
We went to a fair.
We drank shade grown Kauaiian coffee in the bay where the song “Puff the Magic Dragon” was composed…
I was feeling really down yesterday.
“I don’t make enough money.”
“I work too hard.”
“I’m not appreciated for what I do.”
“No one cares.”
“I should just quit.”
I was throwing myself a real fucking pity party, and of course I found myself squished down the rabbit hole of the internet and emerged out onto a website that blew me away…
I think we need more ritual in our lives. Here is one for you for this New Years. It is a prayer to bring you your greatest longing. Take it on. It works. Happy 2013.
First off, if you call yourself a “spiritual teacher” you might not be one.
I was on the internet today and I came across a site I don’t care to endorse but let’s just say there was a article from a new-age “spiritual teacher” and from now on we are going to call her really pretty skinny lady. Really pretty skinny lady gave us a few “juicy tips” on how to get more publicity for our work and how to better brand ourselves and then offered up a “once in a lifetime” tele-seminar to give up the “full meal deal sesh” on how to really “amp up sales.”
Do you notice how many “quotations” I am using.
This is because everything she is saying is fucking bullshit.
Recap: This woman is telling me that because she is a “spiritual teacher” I should buy something from her and it will help me make more money and get more famous.
The emperor has no clothes.
A live story told about my trip to Vanuatu about how my spirits were lifted through humiliation! Happy day of rest to all!
I hung up on my mother this evening. While she was talking to me, I set the phone down and disconnected.
I told her some exciting news about my life and once again she was not excited for me. “How much does the rent cost? Is that a smart idea?
I give up.
I’m so sick of trying so hard, caring so much, everything mattering so deep.
I’m giving up.
*This essay is written from the point of view of a hetero 33-year-old white Canadian woman.
He left this morning for his Vipassana retreat. 10 days- no contact. Within 2 hours of his departure I found myself sitting on the couch in my underpants, eating a hotdog for breakfast…
It’s funny how things are constantly changing in my mind about what I want and need. Funny in a knife in my intestines kind of way. I have longed for things with all my heart and soul, in such an intense and deep way that I would physically prostrate myself, all hands on deck, belly on the earth, praying for it. I would write to it, meditate on it, do yoga for it, talk to friends about it, work hard and be focused and drive bargains and slash and take to get it! And then- indeed I do get the thing I wanted so badly with all my heart. Hurrah! Dance party! God exists! I am on top of everything that is on top of everything else! Success-mate! And soon, like clockwork… …after awhile of looking at it, having it, sleeping beside it, something new starts to creep in. I don’t think I want it anymore at all. I could actually do without it. It even starts to become annoying. That is sick. That is sad. Does this mean that all I ever want I won’t really want so don’t worry too much? Does that mean I am fickle and full of shit? Does this mean that nothing really means anything? If so, my heart is quite a bit broken. If so, what a huge relief. Now excuse me cause I gotta’ go do a shitload of stuff that I don’t want to do so that I can get to a place where I think I want to be only to find that now there is something else I want to do more than anything. Hilarious. Amen.