All the advice I have been given so far from mothers about mothering.

Spend time alone because you won’t get much of it again.
Spend time with your partner because you won’t get much of it again.
Don’t spend time researching SIDS, deformities, food not to eat when pregnant, how much weight is a normal amount to gain in the first trimester? Or anything else fear based on the Internet…

Anxiety attacking might be a good sign

I had an anxiety attack last night. My first. I thought I had had them before but no way. This was the real deal and if I had gone through that madness before I would have remembered it.

My chest was tight and my throat was constricted. I kept thinking, “I am so uncomfortable, this is so uncomfortable.” I tried to slow down my breathing but that made me panic more. My brain was whirling with all the stuff I have to do and all the stuff I haven’t done. “I suck, why do I bother. I am so ashamed, I want to die, this fucking sucks. I am such a loser, I suck, why do I even…”

You get the picture.

Horrible.

It felt like a really mean rat was angry dancing on my heart…

I suck therefore I am human

Everything important I have learned in my life stems from how much I suck. Being the worst. Fucking up. Wanting to crawl out to the desert and disappear forever. I have tales of shame that would shake your head and make you ask “How does someone sane do that kind of thing?” My point exactly. I do not tout the …