Super Nerd

I grew up in a trailer in the woods. It was not a luxurious double-wide but we did have an addition built on to it so there was an extra room. We grew meat birds and to keep the baby chicks warm in the spring we would keep them in the house under a heat lamp. I preferred them living in my bedroom so I would fall asleep every night to chirping of birds and the smell of tiny poos.

An Ode to Dads

One of my best friends told me this incredible story. It is horribly embarrassing so I have taken out any identifiers. It is all true.

This is Parenthood (the baby and toddler phase)

Imagine considering this a totally reasonable arrangement. Imagine thinking 6 am is a fucking awesome sleep in. Now, imagine a thin metal rod piercing your tits. Imagine that rod making many small holes in your nipples so that yeast grows inside them and now your friends call you “sugar tits” but you don’t care because you are too busy scratching. …

The Same Essay Written Twice (Do I Have to Lose Myself to Become a Mother?)

I wrote this essay for Huffington Post exactly one year ago, with three months before my kid popped out. Now, three months before his First birthday I’m revisiting the essay and thought I’d share the changes because it’s hilarious. The first essay is what I thought about mothering before I was a mom (and if you go to the actual …

Justice served cold by a 6 year old.

My father was visiting for the weekend. I remember he was stretched out with his arms behind his back, lying down in my moms bed in the trailer and he said to me “it’s hella hot, bring me some ice cream, will ya, Em”. I was standing at the foot of the bed watching him and he was right, it was hot…

I cannot express this obviously. It would make no sense. I’m supposed to be happy he’s visiting. I’m supposed to be jumping on him and starting a tickle war that ends up in tears, but not today. Today I hold onto the brass bed and I look at my dad and I say “okay, well, how about I’ll make you an ice cream sundae! That will cool you down” and I leave the room…

An open letter to all parents from a non-parent.

I just finished babysitting your baby today. I have salmon stuck on my neck and in the crease under my left breast.
My eardrum is damaged due to high frequency screaming.
I had to hold her while I was peeing…

All the advice I have been given so far from mothers about mothering.

Spend time alone because you won’t get much of it again.
Spend time with your partner because you won’t get much of it again.
Don’t spend time researching SIDS, deformities, food not to eat when pregnant, how much weight is a normal amount to gain in the first trimester? Or anything else fear based on the Internet…

Is there such a thing as Unconditional Love?

My father and I are estranged at the moment which is a bit of an oxymoron I know, the “at the moment” part. It’s a long story but the basis of it is I’m right and he is wrong and I will not forgive him till he apologizes…

Super Nerd

I grew up in a trailer in the woods. It was not a luxurious double-wide but we did have an addition built on to it so there was an extra room. We grew meat birds and to keep the baby chicks warm in the spring we would keep them in the house under a heat lamp. I preferred them living in my bedroom so I would fall asleep every night to chirping of birds and the smell of tiny poos.