I grew up in a trailer in the woods. It was not a luxurious double-wide but we did have an addition built on to it so there was an extra room. We grew meat birds and to keep the baby chicks warm in the spring we would keep them in the house under a heat lamp. I preferred them living in my bedroom so I would fall asleep every night to chirping of birds and the smell of tiny poos.
This story has been told only once in public. It is the most ridiculous (to date) stunt I have pulled. I still cringe when I think about it.
Hi, I’ll answer this as best I can without sounding too annoying. I know when you long for something and someone else already has it figured out- their advice can come across as obnoxious and pat. But I’m the best in the world at what I do and you asked so here are my thoughts: A typical day for me: I get up at a reasonable hour. Say between 8-9am. Not so early I’m awoken mid-dream and not so late I feel stoned-over. I watch my kid bliss out on his mobile while my husband makes me a cappuccino and breakfast. We do this ritual every morning not because I’m a high-maintenance tyrant but because- I allow myself pleasure. The plan for the day is always loose but I know I will get at least 4 hours a day to myself to do my thing. Sometimes that’s yoga, sometimes it’s making a play, sometimes it’s lashing out at an asshole but it’s all my time and it’s guaranteed. I start work. Often it’s easy and sometimes fucking heart-wrenching but it always feels important and focused. I’m aware that effort does not necessarily translate into success so I remain loose and allow the muse to take me where she wants to go. I trust her implicitly and as you can see by my tastefully decorated and high vibration home with momentos of all the far off places we have adventured- she has not let me down so far. I feel calm. And when I don’t feel calm- I stop. I become a gecko on a wall and go really still. Instead of hiding or running- I’m alert. Observation is a very important skill I’ve honed because I know that being able to articulate my darkness and pain is the key to my…
I was recently asked- how do you do what you most want to do when you don’t have the confidence to do it yet?
It’s funny, I ask a lot of questions but I don’t usually get asked for answers.
For this, I have one.
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you…
I feel the skin around my spine splitting open and cracking away. I feel like I am getting to big for myself and having to expand outwards and this process hurts. There was no warning either. One day I was doing fine. The next I was flat on my back writhing in the grips of spiritual angst I would not wish on a shark attacking me. I did not know before, if I am good and do good and hope and pray and beg – that the wish may still not come true. I did not know before that my deepest desire might not happen. I did not know before that all my pushing and pulling and scratching and wanting has worn me out so fully all I can do is lie in this chair with a blanket on and rest my wrists on the laptop to type this. I did not know that I have a limit. I do not know what to do now. My options are: Trust the universe to care for me. I have issue with that right now as I was just practicing that belief and in my opinion it failed. Trust my partner and friends to pick up my slack. Change my entire world paradigm. From: The belief that my actions matter and my thoughts matter and what I want matters and will be heard and made manifest. To: The belief that yes, it all matters, but just because it matters doesn’t mean anything else. It just matters. Mattering doesn’t mean fulfilling. Mattering doesn’t mean happening. I don’t do yoga so that my mom won’t die of cancer. I do yoga to quiet my mind. I don’t eat healthy so that someone will love me and I will look good. I eat healthy to…
I got some news today. News I was not expecting. I was so sure that I was going to get different news in fact I planned my wedding around it. I planned my honeymoon around it and I planned my maternity leave around it. I just knew that I was going to get good news but you know what…the motherfuckers said no.
They denied me.
They disagreed with what I wholeheartedly and soulfully believed in.
So I am sitting here thinking-now what?
I feel your pain.
I see how hard you work.
I understand your grief at fucking up again.
I feel your sadness that people you love will die.
I see your annoyance at what an asshole you can be.
I notice your overwhelming anxiety about your job…
I clean the house from top to bottom this afternoon. “If I am coming home a fiancée tonight I want my carpet to be vacuumed” I think to myself. I shave my legs and armpits. I phone my best friend and leave a message on her voicemail “tonight’s the big night, it’s gonna’ happen!”
I give up.
I’m so sick of trying so hard, caring so much, everything mattering so deep.
I’m giving up.