This questioner didn’t call it The Worst Time Of Her Life but I identified it as such, only because I remember mine so well. So I tell you all about the worst time in my life and then I tell her what to expect next… ps. I think this may be the perfect blend of the best advice I’ve ever given and the most offensive way I’ve told a story yet. Enjoy. CLICK on the LINK below to listen the-worst-time-of-my-life
Question: Why do I hate myself for feeling sad? Every time that something happens in my life to upset me I immediately tell myself why I’m a bad person for feeling sorry for myself. I’m over reacting, there are people who have it worse who are more together, how can I even presume to know what real sadness is? So I guess what I’m meaning to say is that I don’t feel worthy of being sad. Thanks for any response you may be able to send my way! I went to a yoga class last night and the teacher was from out of town so had an air of mystique around him. I don’t go to yoga for fun. I go to survive, so let’s just say I treat the space pretty sacred. After the class my friend approached the teacher to tell him how much she liked his class. He called her a Goddess and kissed her right on the mouth. I was immediately angry. I don’t see him kissing any men in the class on the mouth. I don’t hear him calling them Gods? “Why the fuck does this shitfuck get away with this sexist shit?” I thought to myself walking home. I wanted to call him on it but my second impulse was to feel shame. “I wish I didn’t have these negative thoughts” and “maybe he’s just more enlightened than me” and “I’m a prude.” Then before bed I read an article about a woman who’s unborn baby was cut out of her uterus because she was in a bi-polar episode and went to the hospital for help. They sedated her and performed a cesarean without her consent. Article Here This made me terrified because I’m a new mom and I’m not doing very well at…
This was the first question ever asked of me. It is also the hardest. I have been putting off finding an answer. Here is me doing my best on a topic close to home. How do we love ourselves in spite of ourselves? CLICK on the link below. the-great-self-love-reset “You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don’t know it, all of that doesn’t even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away and it’s not like you have forever…”- C. JoyBell
I suppose I should preface this essay by saying…I am happy to be pregnant and I am enjoying the ride. It was not alway so and this is an example of the feelings of transition I went through on my way to motherhood. I write from the experience of what was hard once it becomes light. I do this so folks who also find it hard can know that they are not alone. Right now the truth is that although I recently peed the bed, lost my ankles completely and developed teenage acne, ironically in this last month of gestation I have blossomed. There is something about giving up completely that is incredibly freeing…oh I also pulled my vagina muscle too…read on!
I was feeling really down yesterday.
“I don’t make enough money.”
“I work too hard.”
“I’m not appreciated for what I do.”
“No one cares.”
“I should just quit.”
I was throwing myself a real fucking pity party, and of course I found myself squished down the rabbit hole of the internet and emerged out onto a website that blew me away…
I have hit the fucking wall.
Sometimes after all the shit rolls down the hill and I think it’s all too much to bear and I have finally ruined everything for good-I remember to try to breathe or I crawl into a ball and close my eyes. All that is left inside me is goodness and light and I cannot deny the kindness of the universe. Humbled to my knees. Softened and grateful. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ [donateextra]
I give up.
I’m so sick of trying so hard, caring so much, everything mattering so deep.
I’m giving up.
I do. I hate the blogger who gives me advice on how to live and better myself when that said blogger is just a normal human being. I hate the food that I want to stuff in me for a late night snack. I hate the pot that I want to smoke that will take me away from here. And I know I sound jaded and ridiculous. And I know I’m supposed to feel lucky and grateful. And If I had sex I would feel better. But I don’t want to. And if I did yoga I would feel better. But I for sure don’t want to. I just want to feel like shit. I want to stew in my own gas. I want to feel what I g*ddamn feel. Why am I not allowed to feel like sh*t? Why when I feel like sh*t is my first instinct to ignore it, then maybe try to see the silver lining then feel like sh*t for feeling like sh*t. Do other people feel like sh*t? Do other people have dark judging thoughts of disgust for humankind pouring like lava through their veins? Am I that unenlightened? Should I go into a hole and stay there till my histrionics stop? How about this, NO! It is hard out there and I am lonely and people are weird and friends are busy and my job is rough. Embrace it. I put my arms around and hug this feeling like sh*t feeling. “Good for you” I say. It’s f*cking sh*t show out there and most people are a**holes and not only that you sound like you grew up in a trash can. Roll around in it you sh*t feeling sad sack. Roll around in your own misery. You will be rolling around alone because…
What I have read about the awakening state (a state that is nearing enlightenment) is positive. Words I have heard used to describe this state are bliss, oneness, interconnectedness, deep inner knowing. I’m not sure what horseshoe got up any of these lightheads ass because I did not feel any of these feelings- not once. How do I know I had an awakening? Well let’s just say if you have one it will be crystal clear that you are either mentally breaking down or a deep paradigm shift is in progress (and maybe it’s a bit of both). I was in the mountains. I was snowshoeing with my man. It was a brilliantly beautiful day. We have a little ritual about what we wanted to get out of this day and he say’s “I want to learn how to deeply heal myself the people I love.” I say “I want to see light! I want to have fun!” We get going. The prayers are answered almost immediately but not in the way I expect. I look across at this expansive mountain range, covered in snow and gleaming sun and a veil lifted, or that’s how I would describe it. I see for the first time what was really there. I see textures in the air that I had not noticed before, I see multi-dimensional sparkles in the sunlight, and I see how the mountains fit perfectly together to catch the snow in the exact prettiest places. I am overwhelmed to tears at the majesty of our earth. Why would such beauty be here? What is the point of all this artistry? A voice from somewhere deep inside says “This is my offering to you.” I am now flooded with information. The earth is God’s. It is not ours. And God…