My Creative Process

Nothing.

I feel like shit about this.

There is nothing.

I do other things, less important things, things I could give or take.

I feel like every task is time-wasting. I notice there are a lot of assholes around. I feel fat. I stop wanting to have sex…

Go do it!

I was recently asked- how do you do what you most want to do when you don’t have the confidence to do it yet?

It’s funny, I ask a lot of questions but I don’t usually get asked for answers.

For this, I have one.

I clean up quite well.

I just saw the gnarliest squirrel running along a telephone wire outside my hotel room window. It looked like a cross between a ferret and a pencil. Most of his hair was gone except for random tufts sticking out along his thin belly but he seemed quite jaunty and free. It’s destiny that I see this squirrel today because he reminds me a lot of me.
It’s surprising how little I care for my looks…

The Motherfuckers said No!

I got some news today. News I was not expecting. I was so sure that I was going to get different news in fact I planned my wedding around it. I planned my honeymoon around it and I planned my maternity leave around it. I just knew that I was going to get good news but you know what…the motherfuckers said no.
They denied me.
They disagreed with what I wholeheartedly and soulfully believed in.
So I am sitting here thinking-now what?

Anxiety attacking might be a good sign

I had an anxiety attack last night. My first. I thought I had had them before but no way. This was the real deal and if I had gone through that madness before I would have remembered it.

My chest was tight and my throat was constricted. I kept thinking, “I am so uncomfortable, this is so uncomfortable.” I tried to slow down my breathing but that made me panic more. My brain was whirling with all the stuff I have to do and all the stuff I haven’t done. “I suck, why do I bother. I am so ashamed, I want to die, this fucking sucks. I am such a loser, I suck, why do I even…”

You get the picture.

Horrible.

It felt like a really mean rat was angry dancing on my heart…

I am addicted to being busy and I need help

… It is seriously hard work, trying to get myself to calm down, trying to get my brain to stop. And I totally believe that creativity comes out of spaciousness so if my intention is to be more creative I should actually learn to work harder at relaxing.

Do you see where I am going with this people?