An open letter to all parents from a non-parent.

I just finished babysitting your baby today. I have salmon stuck on my neck and in the crease under my left breast.
My eardrum is damaged due to high frequency screaming.
I had to hold her while I was peeing…

Dolphins and other life changing mammals (part 2)

We get on the boat as the sun rose. The website said there was a 90% chance you would get to swim with the dolphins and if there was a pregnant lady on board the likelihood rose to 97%.

We ride out to sea. Nothing. An hour later. Still nothing. Of fucking course I am the 3%. Okay Em, Deal with this shit. Even the dolphins don’t want to meet your baby. Captain Bob and first mate Justin were making hand gestures that looked like “what the fuck?” and “I don’t know?”