An ode to Dads

One of my best friends told me this incredible story. It is horribly embarrassing so I have taken out any identifiers. It is all true.

This woman has 4 children. She is fairly conservative, not at all in her thinking but more in her living. Her husband works full- time and she parents the kids full-time. She likes clothes that are simple and classy. She does not want to necessarily stand out. She does not like conflict and she is an avid non- fiction reader. A quieter woman, an incredibly kind and loving woman, maybe even a little bit shy. Her haircuts are always very normal looking. Her linens are of the highest quality. She has a cleaner come in weekly to do the tougher jobs around the house. She loves to cook and can and uses as little sugar as possible. She blushes when there is too much sex on TV.

Never, ever would we swear around the kids.

Always, always they are the centre of her world.

Okay, so you get the picture.

One night recently, with 5 other bodies snuggled up against her in the big family bed- she could not sleep.

She tossed and turned. She was highly uncomfortable.

She felt ” a party in her asshole”.

That was the phrase she used.

She could not sleep due to the partying and so she woke her husband up. He, ever faithful and committed jumped out of bed and they whispered in the darkened hallway about what to do.

She asked him to go get a flashlight.

He knew at this moment that he was being included in something that may change their relationship forever, may change how he saw her forever- but this was a risk he needed to take.

She couldn’t sleep due to the downstairs rager and he needed to help her.

My friend, a woman who had birthed 4 babies naturally, in water, at home- had not yet done something so vulnerable in her marriage as she was about to do. She took a deep breath, bent over, grabbed her butt cheeks and spread ’em wide apart. They had to stay in the darkened hallway to catch the little buggers by surprise.

The husband quickly flashed the light over her anus and indeed saw a major celebration in his beloved wife’s ass.

She was full of worms. Overflowing actually.

He told her afterward that it did not change anything about how he saw her and she was still the most beautiful to him.

But we know, I mean I can only imagine that after seeing an event like that in your partners asshole it is etched in your mind forever.

It is something incredibly unpleasant and it must have been hard not to freak out about.

But he told her no big deal. He told her it was no problem at all.

He cuddled her afterward in bed that early morning before she could go to the homeopath to get a remedy to dose the whole family. He lay wide awake amongst the 5 sleeping bodies full of raging parties and he pretended he was totally cool with it all.

And that is my definition of love, that is a fucking beautiful dad.

(Photo Credit

Here is a completely unrelated photo that my friend/new dad took of his baby while they were stuck in gridlock traffic. I think it’s hilarious.

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  1. says

    Hahaha! Gross but good one….and the pic is really good, was thinking the same thing, super good pic!
    Eww….that reminds me, I had those little worms as a child and my pops had to ‘get’em’ out….:{ I guess that’s love too. Glad this post reminded me it was Father’s day tomorrow! Cheers!

  2. DKing says

    Holy shit! That is one sick bunghole. So glad I wasn’t eating my sushi during that read. I’ll have to wait at least an hour until my imagination cools off. Good work!

  3. Star says

    Amazingly told story, and yes, true portrait of love. Reminds me of how after abdominal surgery my husband-to-be had to lift me on and off the toilet and pull my underwear up for me. The grace and respect he did this with made me know he was the man to marry. I read this post aloud to him, laughing so hard I was crying the whole time. Thank you!

  4. Copper says

    He didn’t have to pretend to be cool with it, cause when you really love someone, you love them even with tiny worms in their bum.
    Oh and, parasites are super common, like 1 in 4 people will have them at some point in their lives. Symptoms include, itching, grinding teeth at night, moodiness, restless sleep.
    Have you checked your bum lately?

  5. diplomom08 says

    Don’t hate me, but it should be “Ode to Dads”(vs. Dad’s) unless you only mean the one dad…in which case, my mistake! A man truly in love will do almost anything…I have had 4 surgeries (sadly related to cancer) and my husband pulled off all the necessary housekeeping tasks like it was all in a day’s work. A gem, he is, just wish he was here for Father’s Day…

    • says

      Oh my gosh. thank you so much. So embarrassing. I always appreciate grammar and punctuation notes. Sending you my love tonight and tomorrow. Thank you for sharing yourself with us all. Love, Emelia

    • says

      i know hey. funny thing is I call everyone my friends all the time. I gotta get me some consistency. but then, who the funk is consistent. Like, I wrote a piece about getting facial reconstruction when I’m old and I now think I’ve changed my mind…I’m a complex woman I suppose…as we all are I suppose.

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