Dear Preparation H.

Dear Preparation H,

I’m a woman of the age that now experiences daily morning puffy eyes. I’m also the brand of woman who will spend anything on a miracle cure so when I was told by a makeup artist that a secret pro tip was to put Prep H on your eyes to bring down the puff I sent my husband out to do a pharmacy run directly.

After opening the box, the butt plug fell out, which my one-year-old son promptly tried to swallow. No harm, no foul, but I was already thankful I wasn’t using this product for its intended purpose as I have no idea how I’d go about inserting something into a place that I can barely reach anymore let alone fiddle around with.

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I’m also curious as to why you chose to scent your product like the place it will be inside of. Couldn’t you have waited for that to happen naturally? Why did you need to add stink on top of stank? I’m not exaggerating when I say, “Prep H smells like shit” so rubbing under and over my eyes at 6:45 in the am was a truly unpleasant experience to say the least. Could you consider a menthol flavor or lavender perhaps?

Also, I’m sure the greasy nature of your product is to aid lubrication towards its planned purpose. Thanks for that. But for its black market purpose ((which is supposedly saving supermodels everywhere) the grease along with the smell of feces makes one feel like they are rubbing a used condom over their face after a night of drunken first timer anal sex. I’d be open to a creamier product if PR has any interest in pursuing the idea.

To cover up the grease I’d rubbed on my eyes, I applied a concealer and powder which promptly made my older child ask if it was “Halloween again mommy?” to which I replied “kind of”.

Realizing I couldn’t leave the house smelling like I had shit on my face I washed the product off and much to my chagrin, still had the morning puffy eyes, but now added was redness from all the scrubbing.

As an afterthought I googled “Preparation H for puffy eyes” and this popped up:

 “…with Preparation H, you don’t want to accidentally get the stuff in your eyes. In fact, the labels state that you should NOT use the product in, or near, your eyes. Also, prolonged use of topical steroids like Preparation H, has been shown to cause skin thinning, increased skin fragility, enlarged blood vessels, and can even result in problems with your adrenal gland (the natural steroid producer in the body). In short, your eyes will end up looking worse, not better”.

So, this letter is I suppose a thank you, for trying to warn me. And doing your best through scent repellent to deter us women from putting the cream made for polyps inside assholes- near the one organ we have that can not regenerate or heal itself (our eyes) in an attempt to feel better about ourselves. And yes, I realize who’s the asshole now…

With love from,

A woman who will do anything anyone says.

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