Love the Bitch

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For 15 years I’ve been working collectively making theatre; and 80% of the time I’m in the room I can’t shut up.

I’m bossy, loud, opinionated and passionate.

Basically I fucking care; a lot.

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I’m sure it’s annoying as fuck.

I tell my collaborators when I think they’re off the mark. I fight for my ideas. I’m fine getting into conflict and hashing out shit. I also like being challenged and stood up to.

But it’s exhausting.

Being the one in the room who knows the best way to do everything.

So, about half way through every creative process I’m in I start feeling shame. I shut my mouth and sit on my hands and my mantra becomes “be good Emelia, try to be good…”

But I can’t.

My pressurized neutrality never lasts more than 15 minutes and soon I blow up even bigger than if I had let it out in a slow leak.

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Do I really think I’m going to change after 36 years? My first ever report card said that I “needed to learn to listen more and talk less.” I’ve been a loud-mouth since the day I was born.

But you know what, I make good stuff.

I give a shit.

I get things done.

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So love the bitch.

Because she’s you and she always has been; and she’s not going to change.

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Ever.

No matter how much you try and squish and push and cram her into a crack, she will bloom out like an indestructible fungus of light.

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And that’s the best news you’re going to get all day.

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Comments

  1. chick says

    That wasn’t my experience of you at all – when we collaborated. I found you full of ideas and energy, and also willing to be open, curious and enthused by other’s ideas. I don’t recall you ever being a nay sayer. You were never a bitch. And you demonstrated great patience, calm and integrity. Am a ruining your story here by saying all of this??? chick

    • Emelia Symington Fedy says

      Chick. I’m so glad to hear it. You saying it is much better than me!
      Thank you. I hope we get to do it again one day…

  2. says

    Love it. So me. It’s also why you and I had conflict a ways back. I am an upgrader. It’s what I do. I always see a better way. And I always feel compelled to share it… for the greater good. It’s amazing how many don’t like this, or secretly admire this, resent this, avoid it. I rub up against apathy, lethargy and mediocrity like nobody’s business. And finally, I let it be what it is. I came to make a joyful noise. And I am doing that quite well. Thank you for being you Emelia. You are a powerful, deep, insightful, and yes, CARING soul. Keep making shit happen!

  3. Amanda Ross says

    Thanks Emilia. I see you trying to love yourself as you are, and it’s a great reminder to me that I’ve been hearing a lot lately. I also find myself wishing I could be quieter, but being feeling that someone needs to speak up and voice the issues and solutions that seem so obvious. And that doesn’t win any popularity contests.

  4. says

    This is just a big THANK YOU for writing this. I’ve reached a point in my life where the inner bitch is ready, like READY, to assert herself, share her ideas (her really really good ideas, I think), and create things that are her god-damn essence and let them hit people like arrows of inspiration and love and truth in the heart. I’ve been reading your blog for 3 hours. Seriously. Can’t stop. You are an example of a woman who is not afraid of herself, her voice, her creative genius, her art, and who doesn’t sit on her hands and keep quite. I’m so glad I cyber met you.

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