I’ve been trying to become friends with David Sedaris for a few years now. It started at a dinner party when a drunk acquaintance told me that he offered to be her mentor. I started hyperventilating and asked how she responded to his offer. “I never wrote him back” she said. Story here. To me, this is the worst kind of person, to be offered a gift of such magnitude and then to reject it. I told her that if she didn’t contact him within 3 months and take him up on his offer, I was going to contact him and offer to be his “sloppy mentor seconds.” She told me if I did this she’d attack me with a chainsaw (she said something way less dramatic but the energy was the same) and then she unfriended me and we never spoke again. Three years later I wrote David Sedaris. Three years later I wrote to David Sedaris. I told him the story. I offered to be his “sloppy mentor seconds.” I told him I was writing a book and I’d love him to read it. I wrote six letters and twelve emails to all his different agents and publicists and managers and sent them from various parts of the world, hoping one would get into the right hands and be passed along to him. A few months later he wrote me back. A handwritten letter. With his home address. He said that although he appreciated my efforts to contact him, he’s never offered a mentorship to anyone, it wasn’t his style. He told me that my friend was probably exaggerating as people do when they’ve had too much to drink. He sent his love and best wishes. He was kind, yet firm, and the answer was no- no strange…
This is an incredible question. I brought in an expert to answer it. Question: Hi Emelia, I have become close with the mother of my friend who committed suicide last year. We have only gotten to know each other since her son/my friend passed, and it has been a very enriching relationship, I feel really grateful for the ability to help her through her grieving. I have become close with the mother of my friend who committed suicide last year. We have only gotten to know each other since her son/my friend passed, and it has been a very enriching relationship, I feel really grateful for the ability to help her through her grieving. As for myself, my personal beliefs about life and death leave me with pretty much no sadness/anger/regrets that often come with the “loss” of a loved one. I subscribe to the ideas of reincarnation, death as a continuation of life, and our time here in the physical universe as merely an illusion dreamt up by the Self, our true spiritual nature that is One with God, and our inevitable return to the awareness of that being. Many people take death very seriously and I think that dumping my beliefs on my friend’s mother seems insensitive and reckless, or is it? My friends birthday is coming up in February. His mother wants to do a symbolic activity, she suggested bird release, Chinese lanterns, balloon full of little notes and wishes for my friend to send up to “heaven.” Do you have any suggestions for a symbolic gestures that doesn’t involve caged birds, fire hazards or littering? Or is this a fuck-it scenario where the meaning behind the act holds more importance than the environmental treason? I think the main question is, how do you cope with comforting…
Hey Ma! Videos of young, lithe, childfree women doing yoga in their panties got ya down? Make you feel like eating a bag of sour-cream-and-bacon chips at 9am? Or maybe quitting for good? Here’s the prescription. This shit is for real. xo, Em Like it? Share it!
Here’s the most recent advice column. Enjoy it. Or don’t. Like the waxing the hair on your chin, it hurts because it’s true. Like it? Share it!
ADVICE COLUMN: I was recently asked “how do I lose weight? Should I lose weight? Is my husband a dick for not being into my recent weight gain? I decided to take these questions on through a live podcast and videos of my recent attempt at weight loss. In this post you will listen to a 5 min podcast of me giving this woman advice on her weight losss options. You can also check out these video’s of me trying to lose weight this summer. Click on them and have a laugh. It’s mostly fun but definitely serious. Losing weight sucks. I thought she deserved a whole bunch of support, even if most of it is the groaning kind. Lose Weight. Gain Weight. Love Thyself. I’m going offline and outta sight till the end of summer, a bit of an internet detox, so have a lovely August. xo, Emelia Like it? Share it!
Every year on my birthday I put out the same ask. If you read my stuff weekly, if it’s ever made you laugh out loud or feel better about being miserable, if you’ve passed me on- then this is the week I’m asking for your love. You can COPY and PASTE the following links below, attach them to your email and send them to your friends telling them that there’s a hilarious and heartfelt lady who wants more friends to speak her mind to. SIGN UP YOUR BUDS (I love new friends) BECOME A PATRON (gimme gimme) My big birthday request is that everyone tells one more buddy to subscribe. HERE I don’t advertise, I rely on you for growth and reach and I’m dancing because everyone’s watching. Let’s double my friends this birthday. Thanks all of you. With love, Emelia Like it? Share it!
I’m turning 37 soon. I love getting older. The older I get the cooler I am. Seriously. My only issue this year is with the sound of the age. 37. Thiiirrrty seeeeven. It sounds like a dirty little gnome screeching in my ear. Thirrrty seeevennnnssss. Other than the sound, everything else about 37 I’m looking forward to. I was recently reading an article about a man who died at age 37 and what didn’t occur to me was to think “what a heartbreak for a man to die so young.” Nope. His age registered as a bit early to me, but fell in the column of “too bad” rather than the column of “tragedy.” Which kinda depressed me. Because that means if I die this year, people will have the same flacid thoughts about my demise. I’ve been telling my husband I want a gold grill for my birthday. I saw a woman in a coffee shop this morning and she had a tiny diamond embedded in her eyetooth. “Cool bling” I said to her “how’d you get that?” Her friend sitting beside her was like “we all have them” we’re a gang of moms with diamonds in our teeth.” Then I thought “imagine if I got all my teeth embedded with diamonds?! Tiny sparkles everywhere. I told the diamond gang that I wanted a neck tattoo. Of a diamond. They said that was a bad move. “Everyone has neck tattoos of diamonds. It’s very “anthropology. You’re too late.” Good point. I feel rad right now. I’m a motherfuckin’ mother. I get to do what I do. When people give me shit I don’t take it anymore. And I see my body…
She asked: How do I start writing full time? My answer: That’s the wrong question to be asking. Here’s the audio version now. 5 min. Have a listen. Probably one of my best. Toot toot. My mom had this posted on our fridge growing up (only it was in black and white as color printing had not yet been invented) I think this image is what formed my identity. Not necessarily a good thing… Like it? Share it!
This is an audio advice column. Plug in, download and listen up. Its’ around 5 min. I don’t post the transcripts cause it’s art yo. And I love it. “I wish I was black so that my friends would call me sister” is the first joke I ever remember writing. I still think it’s excellent. Like it? Share it!
Advice: How Do I Come Out? Best question ever! Listen up. I don’t post the transcripts to read cause it’s only 3.5 minutes and I put it to music. Ya just gotta hear this live. It’s art yo. Like it? Share it!