QUESTION: I am partners with an amazing human being who I want to ask to marry me. It doesn’t phase me to go against the grain to ask a man to marry me (well maybe a little) but more than that I am not a 100% sure if this is me being crazy or wise. Not because I am putting myself in a vulnerable position, but because I may be asking someone to be something they are not- just because I want it.
ANSWER:First off, why don’y you read how I almost fucked up my proposal.
So, with this backstory in place- I want to tell you right off the bat that I’m a raging feminist. I see no issue in a woman asking a man to marry her and I’m half inspired by your guts. The other half of me hears a warning bell.
I’ve been married just over a year. I’m already on my second kid. My mom died this year. We moved. I got really depressed. Anxious. Had to go on pills. Couldn’t keep up with my normal output. It’s been really tough. There was something, something really important for me- in this deeply painful year in knowing that I could rest and rely on him.
His asking. His saving up. His planning. His courage to follow through- has set a foundation for us. It helped me- grounded me, protected me in my worst.
And I repeat, I’m a feminist. My job is as important as his. We share childcare and chores (actually he does more). And it’s not about being bland and heterosexual…but for me to learn my feminine side, for me to try and soften has been way more of a liberation than always running the show.
So why do you want to ask him?
Because you want to get married!
Because you want to move forward in your partnership!
Because you love him and want to honor that in a ritual!
If he is your man he will know this about you.
He will feel you and agree with you.
And he will step up and give you MORE than you want right now.
Can you allow him his own timeline on this?
And if you ask him now, will you always wonder? What would it have been like? Will there be any little bit of resentment? Cause that shit will fester and grow.
But you don’t need to be passive and secretive about what you need from him.
1. Tell him what you want clearly once.
2. Pick a date within the next two years.
3. If he hasn’t matched you by then, make a decision.
But first try, try to let your greatest longing come to you.
There is such a relief when we, powerful women, practice trust.
I finally felt my bones settle.
And so now, with the shit storm that our life has become (you should see how many fruit flies I have in my kitchen right now. You should see the 14 fucking loads of laundry that we live with on the floor. You don’t want to know how tired we are and how petty it can get). In the chaos, there is a constant pulse of belief in him, of chest cracking softness and it’s because I allowed it to be there.
I stopped pushing my agenda.
Sometimes I notice I get tricked, or locked into this dogma of being “strong and independent” at all costs when part of me; who will raise children, who will get sick, who will lose her job and get old; this same woman wants to melt and know she will be held up. It takes great strength to wait and see if he is the person who will do that for you. It takes a lot of self respect.
I got to watch my man own his masculine side- which allowed me to in turn find the feminine in my feminist; and all of it, all of it, everything- was well worth the wait.