Imagine considering this a reasonable arrangement.
Imagine thinking 6am is a fucking awesome sleep in.
Now, imagine a thin metal rod piercing your tits.
Imagine that rod making many small holes in your nipples so that yeast grows inside them and now your friends call you “yeasty tits” but you don’t care because you are too busy scratching.
Imagine saying to your partner “hey honey come check out the color of my douche.”
And also imagine sleep becoming waayyyyyyyyy sexier than any tantric secret or ass spanking ever could be.
Imagine telling your partner you have to be at work at 10 am when really you have to be there at noon because you want to sit in your car and catch up on emails.
Then when you come home, imagine telling your partner you have diarrhoea so you can sneak the computer into the toilet to get a bit more work done.
Imagine being woken 3-6 times every night by an air raid siren.
Then imagine that siren puking in your mouth.
Imagine tiny fingernails cutting bloody holes all over your face so you begin to look like a crack head.
Imagine sobbing “I can’t water the plants anymore…It’s just too much!” and meaning it.
Imagine running around the house at 2 am screaming “where’s the soozie? Find his motherfucking soozie”
And then imagine the next morning telling your neighbors 8-year-old daughter to “stop her incessant singing.”
Imagine this conversation:
Him- “Hey honey, can you get my wallet from the car?”
Me- Sure thing- I’m heading out there right now”
I go outside and come back in
Him- “Did you get my wallet from the car?”
Me- “What are you talking about? What’s wrong with the car?”
Imagine being so proud of this picture you text it to all your friends (not mine):
Imagine having tufts of hair yanked out frequently enough you are developing bald patches.
Imagine talking to the convenience store clerk for 20 minutes and considering that kind of a “date.”
Imagine not being sure you even want this new addition because your career and travel plans and social life and relationship were already so fun and complete.
And then imagine watching them “clap” and deciding they might be an experimental music prodigy.
Imagine your vagina hiding under an unpenetrable thicket but that’s okay because if you trimmed it you’d finally see for yourself what a “gunt” looks like.
And then imagine forgetting all that.
This is parenthood.