I don’t even really know where to begin.
I’m having a really hard time letting go of an ex-boyfriend. I feel so broken.
When my ex and I started “dating”, we sort of “decided” on each other really quickly, fell really hard and fast, and then tried to scramble and put all the the pieces together. We told ourselves and other people that it was romantic, true love. I totally bought into it, anyways. So, I didn’t really react appropriately to the fact that he smoked pot multiple times a day. And the first few fights that we had where he walked out on me mid-sentence weren’t enough for me to close the door. I did my best to pave over disrespect and questionable behaviour in my desperation to maintain my ex’s status as my “One”.
We moved in together. Immediately I noticed that there were money issues from his end. The drug use continued, and I participated as well. Over the next few months, it was an up and down ride. When we weren’t fighting or trying to “work on” stuff, we were blissfully happy, romantic, passionate. It was such a rollercoaster. After a few months of this, I began to realize that this was really messed up.
Finally after a couple of months of this, I finally ended it, packed up my shit and went travelling. When I returned home, right on cue, my ex emailed me. He’s been sober for a week and he’s sorry, he misses me more than anything.
I don’t know how everything became so ugly. I don’t know why I stayed for as long as I did. That’s the thing – it’s not just about what he “did to me”, but what I let him do. I made myself a victim to this craziness. It’s not the first time I’ve mourned a guy who’s treated me so badly that sometimes I’ve questioned exactly how much I even want to keep on living. And so I’m really, really scared. I’m scared that this is what I “do”. I’m irritated, because time has passed since this last breakup; I got rid of most physical stuff associated with him and us; I put an ocean between us for a good chunk of time. And yet, just an email from him sent me spinning again into all of this, questioning myself, questioning my judgment. Questioning if I’ve somehow missed out on The One…
P.S. This is my favourite excerpt from a very well known poem.
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves…”
You don’t have to be perfect or together to find a good love. You just have to let go of the bad love like your life depends on it…because it does.