You do not know me but you sleep beside me every night.
I wanted to say that I’m sorry.
I have not been myself lately.
I am so much not myself that I want to tear off my own skin and run from the she-devil that encases me.
I feel like someone has stolen my brain and replaced it with a giant asshole.
But I’m having a hard time talking to you about it.
Because I am used to being self-sufficient and driven and powerful…
…so this change in my mental state is terrifying.
I like to think I can manage my emotions better. I am usually only a grumpy bitch once a month or so- but this flux is above anything I have ever experienced and I literally wonder sometimes if I am loosing my mind.
Because I have thoughts like “will my baby be a rapist?” “is my life over” and “maybe it’s already dead.”
I am used to being in control- of my finances, of my career, of my sleep schedule- and it is slowly dawning on me that this freedom we have is leaving…
I need you right now. Completely. To make me cash. To keep me housed. To feed us.
And that is fucking horrifying to me. That is against everything I have learned. Everything I have worked my entire life for.
So I lash out.
I am trying to claw onto some semblance of normalcy when the truth is that my life will never be the same again. My body will never be the same again. My free-will will never be the same again and it’s breaking my heart to realize this.
So I am bossy.
I blame you.
I am mean.
And I don’t talk to you for the entire day because you say my face looks “milky.”
You are the only place in the world right now where I feel safe enough to let this part of me be.
So thank you.
Thank you for taking my shit.
Thank you for trying to know that this is not about you.
Thank you for forgiving me even when I don’t notice I have hurt you.
Thank you for understanding that I thought this was supposed to be the best part of my life and now I think it is one of the worst parts and I feel guilty and ashamed about that.
Thank you for loving me and cuddling even though I don’t want to have sex right now.
Thank you for noticing that I want a salty treat before I notice.
Thank you for being my punching bag.
No one else in the world will do it and it has to get done.
Because I am a baby-making monster who is out hunting for blood to turn into milk.
And I will poke you with knitting needles in every hole you have if you ever repeat this but…
You are better than me right now.
You are the animal who is holding this down.
You are the boss.
I have never needed anyone like I need you and it is scaring me into a great ball of fury.
I hope it gets better soon and I’ll buy you a big gift when I feel up to it.
But right now can you put on some Mad Men and pass me the chips.
And even though I am too porridge head to say it sexy like I used to…
I love you with everything I have.
You are getting me through.
Ps. Saying someone’s face is “milky” is not a compliment.
Emelia, I am so proud of you and your husband for going thru this wonderful, scary part of your lives together. You are practicing the part of your marriage vows, “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” etc. Raging hormones are so unpredictable and may cause hurtful things to be said,at this point it is so difficult to try to maintain control of your brain, your words, kinda like when I seemed to be off the deep end for one week each month, due to severe P.M.S. My husband came with me to a class all about “coping with P.M.S.” where he learned not to take all that I screamed and hollered personally. It came as a relief to him.
Well, I will continue to pop my birth control like tic-tacs. I might make him take some too, just in case.
The whole giving up financial independence thing is probably one of the biggest challenges I am still struggling with. I’ve supported myself since I was 17 {now 43} and at 7 months pregnant am still not comfortable with relying on someone else’s income!
We are buying a new 2nd hand car today for $21k and I can afford to put in $7k towards it, which just feels wrong. I would normally just go halves in everything we buy together. It will be interesting to see if I think of it as “our” car or “his” car because I have only contributed 1/3 of the price?
The only advice I can give you is to talk about stuff, no matter how uncomfortable a conversation it is. And try not to feel like a sponger or a user…..it;s hard though when generally growing, having and raising a baby doesn’t have a monetary value put on it!
You’re going to be okay. Really. You know how I know? Because you’re in the place most women don’t get to until they’re in the middle of labor.
No, seriously. I’m a birth doula. My JOB is to get women through labor and be their punching bag when they’re in the emotional condition you’re in. I talk to midwives, and what they say is, “When a woman gets to the point where they realize they are not in control; that they have to surrender to make it through this, then I rejoice. Because that’s when they let the process take over and they’re just fine. They make it happen by letting it happen, and their body knows what to do and does it. But some women, who think they can be in control the whole time, take three or four days of agony before they finally reach the point of letting go because they know they have no alternative, and giving up control. *Then* they can have the baby.”
You’re not going to have the baby yet, I hope; you’re nowhere near that stage yet, I know. But you have already absorbed the most important lesson for a pregnant woman to learn — it’s not about you, either. The process, the babymaking/birth process that your body knows how to do, that all life knows how to do… that’s going to do its thing no matter what you try to do, and the most you can do by trying to take control is hinder it and get in its way and make it harder for yourself. I congratulate you, in all seriousness, on having gotten that message *way* earlier than most women figure it out, and being able to get out of the process’ way and surrender control. It *will* be easier on you this way, believe it or not. Not easy; I know it’s not easy, I get that it’s completely miserable for you right now. But easier than if you were still thinking you were able to make it go the way you choose, and trying to do that.
And you know what? It *will* get better. Some parts of pregnancy are better than others, and some parts are *usually* (for most women, but not for all, so please don’t feel guilty or like you did something wrong if it isn’t true for you) downright awesome. Much of the second trimester can be a lot of fun, for example — your sex drive may come back and go into overdrive; your baby will start moving in ways you can feel, and your energy may come back. These are not guarantees (except feeling the baby move, and that’s not always a plus for the mom), but they are distinct possibilities, and I hope you get to experience those upsides too.
Also: when you are done with this, when you’ve been through labor and birthed your baby and made this amazing thing happen by the sheer force of your own awesomeness in surrendering to the power of birth that is within you, you may well find you have all the confidence in the whole world. As in, take all the confidence you don’t have now, that you won’t have for the whole pregnancy, wrap up all nine months of it into one little ball and then zilliontoople it and smack you with the whole thing all at once. You’ll feel like you’re a goddess. You’ll feel like you made the world. You’ll feel like you can do anything in the universe, while standing on your head with one hand behind your back. Because that’s what the same process that’s screwing you over now does at *that* part of the trip. (Again, it’s not guaranteed, but it’s very likely.)
You have my sincere sympathy and understanding for what you’re going through now. So does your partner, who sounds like a gem. Please know that it does get better.
Sounds like you have a really good handle on this becoming crazy thing. Pretty soon, you’ll stop noticing the craziness, and he will just ignore it too….. it’s the side long glances at the mall that are never going away…. so stay away from the mall.
And mind the handrails on that slippery slope to “mommy blog”……
luv ya kid
in a few months… milky face takes on a whole different meaning for about 4 years… and you will be taking pictures of it. LOL
OH Em, not to despair. It truly is temporary. (Except when it’s not). Remember were he the pregnant one, you’d be there as best you could be. But he’s not and we women get to experience this amazing, scary, unpredictable, joyous, raging state of being. How special does that make us? And at times, how difficult. Hang in there. xxoo ps I’d be thrilled if someone said my face was milky – having aging olive skin,it’d be the ultimate compliment. In other words, it’s all in your perspective.
Been there, done that. Perfectly described!
This is good stuff…and I feel like sending it to my ex-husband who I would warmly edit out and write, “Fuck you” in stead of “thank you” as he was too busy with his girlfriend to notice I was vulnerable and scared when I was pregnant. Instead of having a partner, I lost one. He left when the baby was a month old (baby #3 – we weren’t new to the game of parenting) and although it SUCKED…now I am glad he was busy licking someone else’s wounds as it made room in my life for someone who I CAN say “thank you” to.
Wow…that was a lot of words when all I meant to write was “good stuff”
Love your blog <3
In letting go of what you considered to be control… Makes you more powerful. Promise. It’s the letting go that’s scary as shit. The unknown. Once you do it… You find you’re okay. Fear vanishes. You are fearless. More powerful than ever.
Chew on that…..
. You’ll see.
very, very good. Thanks!
ah ha ah HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Dude, totally makes me want to go get knocked up… No not really. This is the best birth control evah!
Thank you for sharing the real side of things.
Love you!!!
I love you guys.